life as we know it.

february 5, 2012

2012-02-06T00:27:00.004+08:00

"Get up,"

That was all I could think of when I saw him lying askew on the ground, lifeless. His eyes were open and his mouth was ajar. I could feel my eyes turning into two pools of water, slowly overflowing down my cheeks. I sat beside him and was overcome with emotions I haven't felt in so long. It was too overwhelming for me.

He was my best friend. He was always there for me. Though he left so soon, I'm happy to know that my last memory with him was something I could always remember. It's like he knew he was going, and that kiss on the cheek was his way of saying goodbye. I know most of you will not have a clue as to what I'm saying, but it's probably for the best. You wouldn't understand anyway.

I will always remember those perfect blue eyes, Gideon. Always.

a social enigma

2012-01-31T16:10:00.006+08:00

I'm stuck.

context

2012-01-08T00:59:00.005+08:00

I feel depressed. No, I feel happy. You know what, now I feel empty. Wait, now I feel whole.

All these mixed emotions, they're coming at me like bullets. I realized that I've been feeling this way an awful lot lately. Don't get me wrong, my life is finally turning out the way I would hope for it to be, but sometimes it all just feels....... wrong. Like I'm not supposed to have things go my way. Every time I try to be a little selfish so that I wouldn't feel like shit, I'd end up feeling like shit anyway. People just can't seem to give me a break, really. All they care about is their goddamn feelings.

Do you know what happens when I try to make things go the way I want it to? It backfires, terribly. I guess that's just how things work for one Nursyaza Nadzirah Binti Ahmad Marzuki. Oh well, things could go worst. Alhamdulillah, I still have a home, a family, food, clothes and other necessities in life. Though, sometimes I just wish I could run away, far far away from everybody I know and start a new life. Be a philanthropist or something, I don't know. I want to do good in the world, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't even get my life sorted out?

I'm an idiot.

the captive mind

2012-01-06T00:32:00.003+08:00

Somewhere in the world, the love of my life is on living his life. I don't know if he's near or far, but I'm certain that he's out there somewhere; looking for the same thing. I can't explain it, but I know someday we'll cross paths. Be it walking the streets or sitting opposite each other on a train. We might not even know it yet then, but we'll know soon enough.

Haven't you ever had that feeling yourself? You know, that feeling inside your gut that makes you think somewhere out there, your better half is breathing the same air you are and looking up at the same sky you are. I know these things take time, but how much longer does a human being like me have to wait?

But then again, I'm just wondering; that's all.

twenty twelve

2012-01-02T04:03:00.001+08:00

Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that it's already 2012. Feels like just yesterday that it was 2011. Wait, it sort of is. Not really, since it's already the 2nd of January; but you catch my drift. I really didn't have anything planned for New Year's Eve because I was never one who liked to go to all these NYE parties. Every year since I could remember, I welcomed the new year at home while listening to the sound of fireworks cracking outside my window. Pixie had to force me a little for me to join my sister and her at The Curve. I had no other plans anyway, so I succumbed to her offer.

It ended up being a great night! Spent the entire night with Huixian, my sister, Lana, Luen, Justin and eventually Kierien joined. I bumped into Bat too, which was a lovely surprise! Haven't seen her in months, and she's still as beautiful as I remember her to be. Though I didn't get to spend more time with her, it was great to see her after so long. While I was at The Curve, I really didn't have that much of a good time with the crowd there. I swear to God, the crowd is the reason why I don't like going out on new year's eve in the first place. There were people everywhere, and I mean everywhere. They were literally spraying foam and silly strings right in my face, which I thought was very rude, considering I didn't even know them and they really didn't have to spray directly at my face. The mixture of aerosol and soap did not taste good inside my mouth.

The only things I liked about that night were the epic fireworks display and the aftermath of the party. That night reassured the fact that I hate events like that. So full of pretentious kids drinking and supposedly 'having fun' out in the open. I really don't give a shit if you want to drink or party or anything, but please just don't try to flaunt it to everyone, especially if you're a Malay and a muslim. Not cool, guys. It's obnoxious, annoying and irritating. Okay, enough with my rants. After midnight, we found ourselves in TTDI sitting by the pool at Kiara Park, chilling. That was nice though, getting away from all the madness. I was with great company, so that was a plus.

So yeah, like I said before; 2011 went by awfully fast. I hated how fast it flew by because to me, 2011 was an awesome year. A lot of memorable things happened and it's gonna be hard for 2012 to trump what had happened then. Though, I have a feeling that this year's gonna be insane. The Mayans better not screw this up for me, I'm turning eighteen and the last thing I want for my birthday is the end of the world. Okay I'm kidding, I don't believe in that shit anyway.

Anyway, I wish you all a happy new year! I hope you welcomed 2012 by having as much fun as I did. Oh yes, to celebrate the beginning of a new year, here's a horrible video of me doing a cover of Gregory and the Hawk's Boats and Birds. I honestly got really bored, so I played around with my GarageBand. No, seriously I was so fucking bored just now. Heck, I didn't even finish the song. This is actually for my friend, Myra to hear. I wanted to let her listen to how I make covers using GarageBand. You can listen to it if you want to.......... or not. Your call. I sound all nasally in it anyway.

Happy new year!

pixie.

2011-12-30T05:14:00.005+08:00

I'm in love with Huixian's Canon EOS 60D. The features on that thing can make my 450D blush, seriously! Well, she's always wanted a blog post written just for her; so here you go, Pixie.

I'm sleeping over her house tonight because she really wanted me to see her Christmas decorations, which are really pretty might I add. I'm on her laptop writing this blog post as we speak. Both she and my sister are sleeping because it's already 5:25AM so I'm gonna make this really quick. I got really bored just now so I decided to have a mini photoshoot with her as my model. I did her makeup too, which I'm a little proud of because it looked really nice on her! She's not much of a fan of brown makeup but I insisted on it. Plus, it ended up looking really good on print.

There were hundreds of shots taken but I'm too lazy and tired to post-process all of them so I chose these three because they're my favourites. Click on the photos if you want to be redirected to my Flickr photopage. That is, if you want to.........

Thank you, and good~~night~~ morning!

P.S: She's not topless in these photos. I don't shoot people topless or nude. She's wearing a tube top, of course. Geez people, stop being so perverted -_-

comma,

2011-12-29T05:01:00.002+08:00

Step one: light me on fire.

Step two: walk clean away.

So, yeah.

I'm seventeen now, finally. Thank you so much to everybody who wished me and spent time with me on this humble day. In a couple of days, we'll be ushering in a new year. I feel......... lost. Should I be? I don't know. I'm in a constant state of wonder.

What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be? Is this what I'm supposed to expect? Where is this heading? Am I really happy?

This is making little to no sense at all. Why am I always like this? I know I'm not considered as the norm, but come on - this emotional jet lag is enervating. It's like the whole world is inconspicuously laughing at me and feeding off my insecurities. I'm not insecure, but they're making me feel this way. Why is life playing with me right now? I'm not in the mood to be fucked with. Everything in my life is finally going swimmingly and here comes a dark heavy storm cloud trying to rain on my parade.

Please just please, for once in my life; let me be happy.

lament

2011-12-21T16:32:00.000+08:00

Death can be perceived in many different ways. For some, death is a loss; a reason to mourn and grieve. For others like me, death is an escape. It's not that I wanted it to happen, it's just I'm glad that it did. The world was turning into something I had never imagined, and I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did. If you had asked me before death greeted me, I would've said I was scared. Now? Not so much. He greeted me, as though I was an old friend. Slowly, I could feel myself drifting away from what was now an empty carcass.

I am forever floating on a never-ending ocean and the only thing I see are white clouds hanging above me, keeping me company. The wild blue yonder seemed bluer than ever, like it was even possible. The absence of sound and smell proved little to no significance.

I am happy. I am sane. I am in perpetuity.

I am free.

lightbulb

2011-12-19T02:00:00.001+08:00

I just finished writing a list on a piece of yellow-coloured paper. What's the list about, you ask? Oh, nothing. It's just a list of projects I'm hoping to undertake to fill my free time. Remember back in one of my previous blog posts (way way back when), I said I had little projects planned out? Yeah, well I never had the chance to actually execute them before, but I do now, so yay me!

They're pretty darn awesome, if I do say so myself! I'm pretty stoked about it and I can't wait to share it with you all soon! I don't think you'll care so much about it, but whatever. I won't ruin the surprise now because then it wouldn't be fun anymore. Most of them are photography-based, I'll give you that. Other than that, the only way you'll ever know about it is when I'm done with it and I publish it for the world to see.

Oh yeah, I went to the educational fair today. The minute I walked into the exhibition center, I felt.......... aged. My oh my, how time has passed. I couldn't help but feel a little sad about it. I'm getting older and time obviously waits for no one. Soon enough, I'll be 21 years old, and then I'll be 31. Fast forward thirty years and there I am at 61 sitting on the front porch of my house, sipping a cup of tea with my soulmate, both of us wrinkly and old. That is, if I'm even lucky enough to live that long or find my soulmate.

Would you look at that! Looks like I've managed to drift away from my original topic for tonight, as usual. I'm sorry, I tend to do that. Like, a lot...... Well, I guess that's it then. Thank you, and goodnight!

lua

2011-12-14T03:23:00.000+08:00

"When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend,

I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations."

Greetings, earthlings.

As you may have figured out, I am officially a high school graduate. Should I be ecstatic about it seeing as that was the only thing running back and forth in my mind while I was sitting for my exams? Yeah, but what I'm feeling is a little bit different that what I had hoped. To be honest, I'm not really feeling anything right now. Everything is just a blur to me; it's like nothing feels right anymore. Waking up at noon, body parts aching, head in a constant state of confusion, is this even normal?

Since I have already brought it up, I also realized that it's been ages since I last shed a tear. Is it because my life is finally at its place? I doubt it. If it were, I would actually be feeling something right now. Maybe I'm boycotting my own happiness, who knows? I guess I'm just so used to things never going my way, that actually having the freedom to mold my life the way I want it to be - even if it is temporary - feels........ strange. I'm not saying things are going the way I want them too, it's just not as bad as I remembered. Though I have to admit, people have been taking advantage of me. It's like I have no spine anymore, or even a say in anything.

I need to stop letting people walk all over me like a fucking doormat. For once in my life, I want to be able to do things for me and not think of anybody else. God damnit, I want to be able to be selfish for once without having to hear constant laments about it! I want to be able to fuck up in life and not worry about how others might take it. I keep letting others screw me over that I've programmed myself in saying "It's cool. I'm used to it," or "I'm okay, really!" every single time people bring it up. I need to stop constantly thinking about other people's feelings and start thinking about my own. It's been like this since I can remember, and it's always me who ends up getting hurt, not vise versa.

But I can't just start blaming the entire world for this. If it wasn't for me being the way that I was before, none of this would've happened, but it did. I don't know whether it's just me being oblivious or if it was the world who was oblivious. I guess now I just have to start actually getting used to all of this. Fret not, I've planned something especially for me in 2012. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something for myself and no one will get the chance to tell me otherwise.

Until then, I guess it's me vs. the world.

megafeet

2011-12-12T03:08:00.006+08:00

This is for the person who told me on Formspring to update on my blog - LOOK! IT'S MY FEET!

I'll write some other time. It's 3:08am and I just got back from the Coca Cola 'Konsert Semangat Inspirasi' w/ One Night Only show two hours ago, and I am extremely exhausted. My weekend has been amazing, and post-SPM life is exactly how I had pictured it.

Well, so far at least.............

hi.

2011-11-28T01:22:00.003+08:00

Just thought I should let you guys know that I'm still alive and kicking......... and weird.

Okay, bye.

SPM 2011

2011-11-15T17:23:00.005+08:00

In the fall of 2010, Lily was boarding a transit train heading to Paris. It had always been a dream of hers to go there, but she never thought in a million years that it would be so soon. As she was reading Robert Cormier's The Chocolate War, a man approached her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Excuse me miss, is that seat taken?" he said.

His finger was pointed to the empty seat next to hers, blocking her view of the book. Annoyed, she answered with a hint of anger in her voice but did not look up as she did not want to take her eyes off the book.

"What?"

"I said, is that seat taken?"

She looked up to the man and was left in a state of awe, as if she had never seen anybody like him before. Brown hair with a tint of auburn, green eyes that pierced through her skull when he stared at her and a smile that made Ryan Seacrest's grin resembled that of a two year old's undeveloped smile.

"Uh, no," was the only two words she could say. It was obvious that she was a little flustered by his presence beside her. As he made his way to the empty seat beside her, the camera that was hanging on his neck made unexpected contact with her forehead.

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" she yelled. The sharp pain to her forehead made her raise her voice at him.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to. I guess my mum was right about me," he said in a sombre voice.

She was puzzled by his statement. With her hand touching her forehead, looking for any signs of swelling, she asked, "Right about what?"

"She said one day, I would be the reason a person has to be sent to the hospital," he explained.

She couldn't help but giggle at his response. Must be a mummy's boy, she thought. "Well, I'm Lily. Nice to meet you,"

"Hi, I'm Colin. Sorry I hit you in the head with my camera. Wasn't my intention, honest!"

He tried to explain himself, but there was no need for an apology, as she started to grow fond of him. He was of her too, but neither one of them made a move. Lily was a student from Malaysia and Colin was a backpacker from London. They both bonded on the train heading to Paris, as if they were old friends reunited. Since neither one of them knew anybody there, they decided to make it easier for the both of them and explore the city together. As they reached Paris, they got off the train and promised to meet again in the morning. They both got into their taxis and went to their respective hotels, anticipating the week they will spend together in the beautiful city.

Over the course of five days, they have explored the city through and through. It was as if they planned to travel to the 'City of Love' together as lovers, not random strangers who met on the same train. Colin couldn't help but question his feelings towards Lily; feelings that he never thought he had. He knew he had developed strong feelings for her, mainly because of her carefree and outgoing personality. It's as if she has no care in the world, he thought. Every time she laughed, he would smile and stare at her like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on.

On the fifth night during a stroll around the city, they found themselves under the brightly lit Eiffel Tower standing tall above them. He knew this would be the right time to confess his feelings for her.

"Hey Lily, I know we've only known each other for a couple of days, but I can't help but think that you're the best person I've ever known, and I-- uhh,"

He chocked.

"You what?" She wondered, as she nudged his hand to quicken a response.

"I think I'm in love with you. Your eyes, your smile. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You make me feel as if I don't have to have a care in the world, as long as I'm with the one I love. I love you, Lily. There, I said it. And to think that I met you on a random train, "

She froze. Her face quickly changed. That was not the reaction he wanted to see from her.

"I can't fall in love with you. I'm so sorry to have led you on, Colin. I never wanted anybody to get hurt," she mumbled.

"Well, can I know why? At least give me closure, so I wouldn't beat myself up too much," he said.

He could see the tears in her eyes. Her eyes started to transform into two pools of water, and the glimmer started to crawl down her cheeks. She broke down.

"I'm not going to be here for much longer. I'm going, Colin. Going. Gone, into oblivion. I have only days, if I'm lucky, maybe months. That's why I'm here in Paris. At least before I die, I want the streets of Paris to be the last thing that I see. But then, you happened. And I-- what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to live, and I know if you fall in love with me, I'm going to have to leave you soon. I don't want to leave you here hanging. I never planned for this. I never wanted for this to happen to me. To you, especially you. I'm so sorry, Colin. I really am," she cried.

"Hey, you know I'm never going to leave you. I love you so much. I don't care that I've only known you for a week, I promise you that the next few days we spend together will be the best moment you'll ever have. As long as you're still here, I'm not letting you go. I promise, Lily. I'm not letting you go,"

Although those words came out of his mouth, deep inside he felt lost to know that she will be gone soon. He knew the week he spent in Paris with her was the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he wanted her cancer to be the last thing she'll remembers when she's going. Over the next two days, they spent every waking moment with each other, knowing that they will never get that chance again. They were now lovers in the 'City of Love'.

On the last day of the trip, they made their way to the train station together and waited. Waited for the train that would part them. While waiting for the train, they gaze into each others eyes and had the same exact look in their eyes. They knew exactly what the other was thinking. They laughed, and their hands were now intertwined as one. They walked slowly towards the railway and laid down in each other's embrace. They knew that they couldn't possibly live without each other.

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die," she said, with a smile on her face.

They could now hear the sound of the train that was going to be their demise. It's coming. It's getting closer and closer. As the train was just seconds away from stealing their existence, they looked at each other and smiled meaningfully.

jeux d'enfants

2011-11-07T03:51:00.003+08:00

"You know... there were lots of things I was game for that you never said."

"Like?"
"Eating ants, insulting the unemployed...... loving you like crazy."

The two gaze into each other's eyes while they stood in a six-feet deep construction pit that was about to be filled with concrete, hoping to finally share their dream together - their 'dream of an eternal love'. A smile appeared on her face as they shared their last kiss as living mortals, while fresh concrete slowly oozed around them, filling every open gap between and around them.

"Jeu?"

"Jeu, toujours et pour toujours."

Completely submerged in concrete, the two eagerly anticipate the perpetual future they have ahead of them. The 'dare' they have always long for but both too scared to admit to one another has finally came true.

A stupid game? Maybe so, but it was their game.

tardis

2011-10-31T23:16:00.002+08:00

One of the many things I will do after SPM: Go on a Doctor Who marathon.

who what where when how

2011-10-26T00:46:00.003+08:00

Who am I?

What am I becoming?

Where is this taking me?

When will I ever feel the way I'm supposed to feel?

How do I know if I'm happy?

Is this one of those days? Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know, and frankly I don't care. I'm sick of everyone constantly saying things to hurt people, as if they're better than the rest of us. So what if I'm not good looking like my twin sister? Based on that alone, I don't think I deserve to die. You don't have to write that to her, especially where I can see it. How do you think it makes me feel, huh? What, you think I'm just gonna sit here with a smile on my face saying "I'm used to it,"? Fuck no. Not anymore.

I've dealt with this all throughout my life, so my mind has found a way to suppress the pain that comes with it. Maybe not suppress, but it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. Oh, who am I kidding, of course it does. It hurts so fucking much. I know you think of me that way, but saying it to my face? That's just low, man. Who are you to call God's creation ugly? Who are you to decide who deserves to live and who deserves to die? Just because I'm not fucking good looking like my twin sister, doesn't mean I don't belong here on the face of this planet. Yes, MY TWIN SISTER IS PRETTY AND I'M NOT. WHOOPTI-FUCKING-DO. Somebody needs to get into that thick skull of yours and explain how the world works, because this is not how it fucking works. Maybe you think it's right, but boy, are you wrong.

So yeah, I say I don't care about all of this, but once somebody actually says it repeatedly, it hurts. That's right, I said it. IT FUCKING HURTS.

Here. If you have something to say about me but you don't have the balls to say it to my face, say it to me here. Not to my twin sister, not behind my back. Say it to me, because I'm fucking over people trying to sugarcoat their words. You can't make an insult sound better. It's just not possible.

http://www.formspring.me/syazanadzirah

So, fuck you. Fuck you all. Shallow minded fools, all of you. I'm done.

if not now, whenever

2011-10-19T00:10:00.005+08:00

As much as I hate talking about it, I can't help but wonder how life would be like if everything was different. If everything I have, I no longer own. If everything I know, I never knew again. If everything I ever wanted, I don't want at all. Would things be different? Would I be different?

I think it's safe to say how immensely terrified I am of the real world. I'm starting to fear the world we live in. The long-kept apprehensiveness is slowly creeping in again. You might be thinking, "Hey, what's there to fear?" News flash - everything around us is changing, and by everything, I mean everything. What if I can't handle it? What if I don't make the transition?

What if?

Those two words have been ringing in my head non-stop these past couple of days. Is it anxiety or is it reassurance? I don't know, maybe I'm just losing my mind. Maybe. Whatever it is, I don't like it. It's messing up my head. The things I never thought I would be worrying about, I worry about now. Why? Whyyyyyyyy would you want to mess with my head now? It's driving me insane!

I feel bipolar now. I'm happy, and then I'm sad. I get ecstatic, and then I feel miserable. I'm optimistic, and then I'm pessimistic. Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. It's just like my world turned black and white, and I'm constantly telling myself, "make up your damn mind, woman,". It's either one or the other. No middle ground, no shade. My life is turning into a never-ending roller coaster ride, and you know what's the worst part about it?

I don't know what the fuck I should do.

Help :(

new perspective

2011-10-17T23:14:00.002+08:00

Be sure to sneak a peek at my humble little photography blog when you have a chance, will ya? :-)8

http://theoddwayfarer.blogspot.com

raw

2011-10-16T23:07:00.001+08:00

I want to wake up beside you, with your arms around me, and just pretend to be asleep so that the moment can never end.

I want to borrow your sweatshirts.

I want to be your best friend.

I want to go to the beach with you in the middle of the night and look at the stars. We'd end up falling asleep beside each other, and wake up to the sight of the sunrise.

I want to be able to hold your hand whenever we walk.

I want to wrap my arms around your waist and have your arm over my shoulders.

I want to write a song about you.

I want to kiss you.

I want to rest my head on your chest whenever you hug me.

I want to snuggle up with you on a couch.

I want to go to sleep every night with you on my mind, and knowing that you're thinking about me too.

I want to play with your hair.

I want to have somebody to goof around with and act silly.

I want to look into your eyes and know immediately that those are the eyes that I will be looking into for the rest of my life.

I want to have somebody to dance with.

I want to hug you all the time.

I want to have somebody to think about and cheer me up whenever I feel as if life isn't worth it.

I want to travel the world with you someday.

I want a lot of things but unfortunately, I can't always get what I want, especially if it's nearly impossible for me to get. This isn't really the side of me you'll see often, but I really needed to get this off my chest. It literally has been eating me up inside. I hope someday I'll have a 'you' to think about, but until then, I guess I'll just have to see you in my dreams.

Goodnight, future lover, wherever you are right now.

lost

2011-10-11T22:47:00.005+08:00

I have a question for all you inquisitive young minds out there:

Do you believe in soul mates?

sleepmakeswaves

2011-09-27T23:47:00.005+08:00

I'm suspended from a skyscraper. I look down and see tiny indifferent people. I am going to fall. I feel breeze pass through my hair and touch my scalp.

I want to jump out of curiosity.

evolve

2011-09-17T05:31:00.001+08:00

1995

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1998 (bottom right)

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2005

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2006

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2007

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2008

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2009

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2010

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2011

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.........right now.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, what do you say about 1o pictures? Or even 1,000 pictures? Over the course of exactly 16 years, 8 months and 19 days, I believe that appearance-wise, I haven't changed much. Still the same dorky-looking, asian girl with eyes that look like lines who my father held in his very arms in the first picture somewhat 15 years ago, only taller and slightly more developed in certain areas...... ehem. My persona, on the other hand, I'm not so sure. Have I changed? I'll leave that up to you.

I was never one to stop traffic, or stun people just by my very presence. Not entirely hideous, but not generally good-looking either. I mean, you won't feel like regurgitating if you see my face, right.......? I certainly hope not! Anyway, what I lack in looks, I make up with idiosyncrasy. Might not be for everyone, but better than nothing at all. Honestly though, would you rather have a self-loathing, desolated teenager than one that's comfortable with her own foibles?

Having a twin sister who's almost your complete polar opposite doesn't help the situation much too. Being a twin, I've faced constant comparison between myself and her, some not as endearing as others. I have come to the acceptance of her being physically superior to me. Took me a while, but that's what God made her look like, and this is what God make me look like. I can't change the unchangeable, but I can change my perspective towards it. I may not have people constantly praising me on my looks the same way they do to my twin sister, but being the physically inferior made me realize how insignificant it really is. Physical beauty is only skin deep. You live and then you die. The end. In the afterlife, God won't judge you by how good looking you are, he'll judge you on what you do in life - good deeds and whatnot. It's not like he's gonna put you in heaven just on the basis of being really pretty.

Religion aside, loving yourself for who you truly are instead of crying over your flaws is how the world should be. Why weep when you can embrace your inner awesomeness? Everybody's different. Every single one of you. Don't try to be somebody that you're not, or go to the extremes just so you could be 'accepted' into society. The definition of beauty in today's society is severely skewed, if you ask me. People are teaching young kids that only the tall, slim-figured, fair skinned people are beautiful. That is just disgusting. What happened to the true definition of beauty, huh? The way I see it, beauty is subjective. What might be beautiful to one person, may not be the same to another. So, who is society to stereotype when the foundation of its own beliefs isn't even beautiful? You tell me, folks.

It's 5:31 in the morning, and I'm mentally exhausted. I'll spare you all from my incessant disgruntlement now.

Goodbye.

phosphenes

2011-09-12T01:08:00.002+08:00

On this cold cold night,

under the glistening moon light,

the angels look down on us,

as if we were in love.

Were we ever?

I never got an answer,

but I'm fine with being doubtless,

as if we were in love.

Your hand intertwined in mine,

like God's deliberate design,

nestling in this winter solstice,

as if we were in love.

Is this too good to be true?

my presence here with you,

beneath the night sky so cloudless,

as if we were in love.

Either way I'm happy to be here,

as though it may appear,

my lips barely touching yours,

as if we were in love.

x

2011-09-10T06:10:00.002+08:00

Can I just hide under my blanket for the rest of my life? I don't want to face the real world. Not right now. I did it once. Really don't want to do it again. Please don't make me.

Please.

melancholia

2011-09-08T02:30:00.004+08:00

Three months.

It's been approximately three months since I last wrote here. I miss it, honestly. Words cannot describe how exhilarating it used to make me feel whenever I click the "Publish Post" button at the bottom of the page. It was like freedom to me. A transient release from the mess going on around me. It might sound pathetic to you, but writing is the only escape I have right now. I still write though, but not as much as I would hope to. It's pathologically difficult for me to share everything going on inside my head to the world, so writing gives me that brief feeling of liberation.

Although I would love to have someone to talk to, people just seem so distant to me. Every single one of them. It's like nobody genuinely cares, or they just have somebody else that they care more about. I'm never good enough. Why am I never good enough? It boggles my mind that out of the almost-seven billion people on the face of this planet, I still have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one. Despite the fact that there are some who would blatantly admit that they are listening to every word I'm saying, the only thing they're satisfying is their craving for curiosity. I can openly say that I envy people with best friends. Just the mere thought of having someone else who is almost already a part of you makes me long for it. They just don't know how lucky they are to have people like that in their lives. Very, truly undeniably lucky.

My existence in this world seem almost futile at present. Every night, as I lay on my bed, continuously staring at the ceiling as if it were to slowly change into the vast open night sky filled with floating stars and hidden planets, I can't help but wonder - what am I to this world? Am I just a small speck of dust amongst a sea of diamonds?

Little by little, my sanity drifts away. I need reassurance. I long for absolution. I crave hope. Even in the face of all that is going on, I can't help but think maybe I'm just being impatient. Maybe, just maybe out of the blue, I'll find it. Whatever it is that I may find, I hope to God that it is what I need. Only time will tell. For now, I'll just have to survive a couple more years living in obscurity.

"Syaza Nadzirah is in need of being rescued. All heroes please apply."

.

2011-07-11T01:50:00.002+08:00

"Maaf! 941228****** anda tidak terpilih untuk menyertai PLKN Siri 9/2012. Terima kasih."

emergency contraception blues

2011-06-08T05:20:00.007+08:00

To say I haven't written here in a while would be an understatement. It's unlike me to go a month without writing a single word here, let alone three months. If you've been an avid reader of my blog (which I doubt you are), you would know that I usually update quite frequently, but I've been fairly busy these past couple of months. Even when I make an effort to at least try to write something, I just end up saving it as a draft instead. My oh my, have the days gone by when I used to be so eager to write. Fret not, my love for writing is still in tact. It just needs a little R&R for now. It'll probably take a couple more weeks....

Well, I'm only here to let everybody know that I'm still alive! .....I think. Okay, maybe just partially alive. Kind of like the living dead, or the dead living...? That didn't make sense. It sorta did a few seconds ago, but now, not so much. Uhh, whatever. Anyhow, just ought to let you know, I'm in the midst of a special project right now. Not necessarily just one project, more like projects. I don't wanna let anybody know about it until I'm done, so you best not ask me about it, because I won't be giving anything out. Not even a single hint *cue evil laugh*.

But don't worry! I can assure you that it will just ooze awesomeness. It'll be so awesome that you can smell the awesomeness from miles away. I think you probably already know how high the degree of awesomeness is. Yeap, it's that awesome.

I better get back to my awesome project(s). You know, the one that just screams awesomeness? Yeah, that one. Well, my venture awaits!

......okay, bye.

prior engagement

2011-03-25T11:51:00.006+08:00

I'm gonna make this really brief (okay, maybe not-so-brief), because I got errands to run and I haven't even showered yet. Too much information? Maybe.....

Anyway, guess what's going on tonight? I'll give you a hint - it starts with an M, and ends with a T. Give up? Okay, I'll tell you. It's MGMT's concert tonight! Yay! I hear that a lot of the people that I know are going as well, so I just hope that we all cross paths somehow. The one thing that I'm not particularly excited about is how people are already making judgements about the people there. Sure, the majority of MGMT fans are in a way, hipsters (I honestly don't know of another way to put it out there) so there'll probably be a lot of trolling around tonight.

But as much as I'm annoyed by the fact that some people are going to their concert to only look cool, there's really nothing I can do about it. We all happen to have one thing in common: we all like the same band. So, who gives a flying fuck? If these people are annoying the hell out of you, just ignore them, and enjoy the live music. Don't let that stop you from seeing the band that you like perform live. That would be a stupid idea. Your ego can only get you so far, honey. Stating things like "Oh, there's probably gonna be a lot of wannabes there, so I don't wanna go," or "I liked them way before everybody did," won't make you sound any cooler. Their music is for everyone, not just you. You have to know that. We're all different, we may like different things and listen to different kinds of music, but that doesn't make one better than the other. I myself am a strong believer of diversity, and I too listen to all kinds of music, and me listening to MGMT doesn't exactly make me a hipster, because I like the band, I like the music that they play, not the entire fad that comes with it. Hey, I like listening to Ashley Tisdale, but that doesn't make me a fan of ALL the people that play songs similar to hers. Her songs are nice, okay!

So, screw all those people who judge you from just one look. Yeah, there might be some genuine posers there, but don't let it bother you. Don't turn yourself into a douche just because you think these people are pretentious wannabes, it doesn't make you any better. In fact, it makes you one of them, actually. Trying to make yourself seem like you're so different just makes you a cocky bitch. Tolong jangan poyo sangat, okay. Enjoy what you came there for - the music. Although, I'm going with an ulterior motive *cough* Andrew *cough* but yeah, I'm still there to enjoy the music too, don't get me wrong. It's just that I have this prolong-fangirl-engagement to him, so yeah.... and Ben is so kittens.

Remember: True hipsters are the ones who won't admit that they're hipsters. So yeah, you, right there, yeah you, the one who won't admit you're a hipster *points to you*

You're a hipster.

colour me crimson

2011-03-24T02:13:00.001+08:00

To the person who made the list above - you disgust me.

Never in my life have I been so furious about something as I am right now. I can't believe people would actually do this. I mean, come on! It baffles me how somebody would think that 'being skinny' is the key to happiness. The size of your jeans shouldn't have control over your life. Who gives a rat's ass if you're slightly larger than your 'friends'? I am, and I am very comfortable with my own body, thank you very much. Yes, my thighs do rub together when I walk, and my boobs aren't really what you call petite, but the only thing that matters is that I'm happy and healthy. Your health should come first, not your weight! I'm sorry if I'm being a bit frank about this, but it just pisses me off how people would actually affiliate losing weight with getting guys to notice you, or getting a date to prom.

You shouldn't care about how society sees you. What you should care about is how you feel about all of it. If you take it in a negative way, then of course you will try to find every single fault you have, whereas you should be embracing all the good stuff. So what if your nose is a little crooked, or your feet are a little bigger than average, or if you have small eyes. It doesn't matter, because all these things that you think are wrong with you are actually what makes you, well... you. I can point out every single flaw I have, but that wouldn't make it any better. Saying my eyes are small won't make them any bigger, and saying I have big feet won't make them any smaller. Accept everything as it is, and you'll be surprise at how much weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

It's like talking about someone behind their back. Saying stuff about this girl, and that guy, especially people you don't even know! Seriously, people. How can you talk bad about a person you don't even know? You say you know everything about them, whereas all the things that you've heard about them are rumors that aren't even true. Talking bad about them won't make you a better person. In fact, it makes you a coward, and weak, because you need to criticize them to make yourself feel better. It fuels your self-esteem. Get it in your head, guys. The people who gossip about others with you, gossip about you with other people behind your back. It's a vicious cycle, unfortunately. Oh, come on, you know you do it, sometimes you don't even realize that you're doing it. See, it has turned into something that you just normally do on a daily basis. I know a couple of people who just can't seem to stop saying godawful things about the people around them, and it just infuriates me whenever they start doing it. I tend to withdraw myself away from them whenever they do it, but then they just start saying stuff about me. Tried to knock some sense into them, but to no avail. They still wouldn't stop. I'm not saying that I'm the good one here, because I'm not. Hey, we're only human right?

I was at a dark place recently. I couldn't stop myself from pointing out every single flaw I had. For the first time in months, I broke down. Just like that, I started thinking about how everybody's lives would be better off without me, and how if I die, the world might be better. That is when I draw the line. I came to a conclusion where I don't live in this world to please every single damn person. I live in this world for myself. God put me on this Earth for a reason, and he put me here in perfect condition. I was born perfect. Nothing more, nothing less. Although I bet it kinda seems ridiculous that I'm suddenly thinking like this, I agree, but that's the only way I can get myself out of this pessimistic trance. I might not be drop dead gorgeous, or have long lean legs, but I'm still a human being. Sure, I don't look like a super model, but then, who cares? I'm perfectly fine with the way I look now. It took me a while to realize it, but better late than never right?

I am beautiful.

We're all beautiful. Tall, short, thin, plump, long hair, short hair, small eyes, big eyes, dark skin, fair skin, we're all perfect in His eyes, and instead of moping around, let us all break out of our molds, and finally live.

Don't you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.

- Jo Blackwell-Preston

slow night, so long

2011-03-06T01:07:00.000+08:00

"Spent my entire life chasing ghosts, only to find out they were figments of my overheated imagination,"

Haven't written in a while. I miss it, actually. Life's been far too hectic for me to even have the time to sit down and take a breather. My head's all jumbled up and I've never been more exhausted in my life, but I know this is all for the best.

Education has been my top priority now. Everywhere I go, I just can't help but think about my future; where I'm gonna further my studies, what I'm gonna be, what course am I gonna take. It's all been a mess. I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do in life. Right now, I'm torn between culinary arts and photojournalism. I just can't choose now. I'm afraid I might make the wrong decision, you know. What if I pick one and end up regretting it? Ugh, this is killing me.

One thing has been decided though - I'm working my ass off to get a scholarship. I hate how everybody's assuming that my parents are gonna be the ones paying for my studies. I mean, come on. Right now, they're already paying for my brother's tuition fees, I really don't want to trouble them any more than I already have. Plus, if they're paying for me, they're gonna have to pay double, considering I have a twin sister and all. I want to make them proud, and I sure as hell don't want them taking out a single cent out of their bank account just to support me, when I can just make it easier for all of us and get a scholarship.

People laugh when I say I'm trying to get a scholarship. They do. I bet they think I'm not eligible for one, or that I'm taking it away from somebody who actually needs it, but hey, I need it too. I want it. Yes, my overall attendance percentage might not be ideal, but that doesn't mean I'm not serious about this. I am.

I'll show you. I'll show all of you!

flipped

2011-02-20T07:22:00.005+08:00

"Is there anything going on between you and him?"

"What?"

"Do you like him?"

"Wh-why would you even think that?"

"Oh, no reason. It's just that you talk about him all the time,"

"I do?"

"Hmm."

"I don't know, I guess there's just something about his eyes, or maybe his smile,"

"But what about him?"

"What about him?"

"You have to look at the whole package,"

"What do you mean?"

"A painting is more than the sum of its parts; a cow by itself is just a cow, a meadow by itself is just grass and flowers, and the sun peaking through the trees is just a beam of light, but if you put them all together, it can be magic."

tune out

2011-02-16T02:31:00.009+08:00

"Mmhmm, waffles,"
Oh blog, how I have ignored you so. I'm sorry that I haven't been writing that much. I just haven't been inspirationally stimulated, lately. It sucks because back in the day (not really that long ago), I used to be inspired by everything. Now? Nothing. I guess I've set my bar up real high. My bad, I guess I'm just not easily inspired by the simplest of things anymore. They're great, but I'm constantly yearning for something... bigger.

It's frustrating not being able to get inspired by the little things anymore. My life is so completely stagnant, you have no idea. I've been repeating the same things over and over again. Same daily routines, same meals, same activities, same hairstyle, same clothes. Heck, I'm even starting to wake up at the exact same time every single day! Which is a tad bit creepy, I might add. It's like I'm living the life of a Stepford Wife, minus the whole 'wife' part. I feel like a bloody robot now. Everything I write is vague, a little dull too. Oh god, even this blog post is making me sleepy. Not even a single hint of excitement or inspiration in here. Gah, I need to do something about this, I'm making myself bored.

Curse you, new monotonous lifestyle.

eat that up, it's good for you

2011-02-09T02:11:00.003+08:00

"Remember when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt?"

I do. Every single day. Back when the only thing everyone ever fought about was which colour of crayons you want to use, or who gets the last piece of chocolate chip cookies and the only thing that can make you cry is when you fall down and accidently scraped your knee or when your siblings make fun of you.

Nowadays, we're up against so many new and different obstacles, sometimes it makes us wonder why we were put on this Earth in the first place. The truth is, the things that we have to endure, these so-called 'problems' are just minor setbacks that do not signify who you really are. I hate how people label other people with problems and just completely ridicule them. I mean, it's their life, it's their issues, they have a right to let out their feelings once in a while. I have problems, I have issues, but you don't see me shoving my problems up someone else's face or make fun of others who have problems too. We should be helping them through it, not shun them.

For example, all those self-mutilators out there, they don't cut because it's fun for them (well, for some, it's fun, I don't know), they cut because it helps them forget about their problems for a little while. It's like a drug to them. Some people take drugs, others sleep around, but they, they mutilate themselves. Why? They cut because for once in their lives, they feel something, even if that feeling is pain. It kills me to see some people with scars on their bodies, knowing that somebody, somewhere has done them wrong.

I just hate it when people ridicule or criticize others, and make them feel like they're worthless, but they're not. Sometimes the person that you call 'ugly' may turn out to be the most beautiful person in the entire world, inside and out. I hate the word ugly, it just makes me so angry to even read it, let alone hearing it coming out from someone's mouth. Trust me, I've been constantly called ugly all throughout my life, so I know how it feels like. You just have to zone out and think, "Hey, I'm not ugly. God made me this way, so I have to be beautiful," and you are, my darlings.

I'm not writing all of this to say that it's okay for you to hurt yourself because others don't hear you out, I'm writing this to let you know that there are people out there who care. I care. If you have any problems, don't just keep it to yourself. Trust me, one day it'll eat you up inside. Don't you just love that feeling you get when you tell someone about your problems and they just seem like they genuinely care? It's like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. Even if it's just one tiny problem or secret, it can make you feel like you're facing it alone in the world, so just let it out. If you have no one else to go to, whoever you are, you'll still have me.

Want a hug? :)

giving up the gun

2011-02-03T17:50:00.009+08:00

Another short film made by my sister. We went to the skatepark this time, and filmed some of our friends on their fixed bikes. I didn't have much to do with the film, seeing how I only filmed about 1/36 of the entire film. Oh oh! But I did make a cameo. You can see little bits of me in the video if you're observant enough.

Enjoy!

february 1st, 1983

2011-02-01T04:20:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to my baby, Andrew! 28 years old and still looking oh-so good, it's ridiculous! No, I didn't make the photo above, but I sure wished I did, though. I would've done an Andrew appreciation post, but I think that might spam my blog because I have a gazillion photos of him, and it would be almost impossible for me to choose from them all (they're all my favourite, so shut up), so I'll just settle for this and only this. Can't wait to see you in March, love!

Oh God, he's just so beautiful <3

skip the charades

2011-01-28T19:06:00.005+08:00

Things that make you feel like kicking life in the ass.

1) Getting the wrong order at a fast food restaurant.

2) When your hair looks good just when you're about to go to sleep.

3) Uploading a video on Youtube and it gets an error at 99%.

4) When you get food stains on your white shirt.

5) Mean Girls 2.

6) Other people stealing your joke and claiming that they came up with it.

7) The most anticipated movie of the year turned out to be a major flop.

8) Facebook for Blackberry.

9) Streaming a movie online and it stops in the middle.

10) Playing QWOP.

11) Tripping over your own foot.

12) Falling off of things.

13) Out of Service slurpee machines.

14) Waking up in the morning, thinking you're late for school and realizing that it's a Saturday.

15) Your shoelaces get untied when you're walking.

16) Getting your shoelaces stuck in an escalator because it was untied.

17) Not knowing what to eat even though your fridge is fully stocked.

18) Accidently stepping on chewing gum.

19) Jersey Shore.

20) Rejected high-fives/knuckle-touches.

21) Getting tagged in useless photos on Facebook.

22) When your favourite TV show goes on a long hiatus.

23) Losing your stationaries.

24) Bad grammar.

25) Hearing your voice in recordings and you sound really bad.

26) Rude people.

27) Misplacing your things.

28) When the holidays end.

29) Songs that automatically play on blogs and you can't seem to find the media player.

30) Overplayed commercials.

31) Your pen running out of ink in the midst of writing a long essay.

32) Getting ditched.

33) Getting stuck in a massive traffic jam and you really need to pee.

34) Awkward silence.

35) When your laptop/camera/phone's battery is low and the charger's way over there.

36) The guilt trip you're left with when you think about all the other sperms that didn't make it.

37) When people don't laugh at your jokes, and you ended up laughing alone like an idiot.

38) Bringing food to school and suddenly everybody's your best friend.

39) Not being old enough to go to a concert with an age limit.

40) Getting a bad grade on a test that you studied your ass off for.

41) Handwritings that you cannot understand or interpret.

42) When people don't remember your name.

43) Coming up with a genius URL or username and it's already taken.

44) When your favourite piece of clothing is nowhere to be found.

45) Seeing animals getting abused by lowlife scums with your own two eyes.

46) When people call your celebrity crush 'ugly'.

47) When you wake up and then just sit there trying to remember the dream you just had... and you can't remember it.

48) Having no money.

49) Falling into a ditch (it happens).

50) Spam mail.

51) When your cat brutally ambushes you.

52) Falling asleep in class only to wake up with your teacher towering over you like she's gonna swallow you whole.

53) Visible sweat stains.

54) Even worse than visible sweat stains - visible panty lines.

55) Unsent text messages.

56) Tiger Beat magazine.

57) Akademi Fantasia.

58) When Twitter is over capacity.

59) People stereotyping Muslims as terrorists/extremists.

60) A gazillion missed calls from your parents.

61) Dying in video games.

62) Additional Mathematics.

63) When you're playing the guitar and the strings snap.

64) Your phone gets confiscated by teachers in school.

65) Smiling at people and they don't smile back.

66) When somebody waves at you, and you think they're waving at you so you wave back, only to find out that he/she was waving at the person behind you.

67) People with no sense of humour.

68) The awkward moment when a vulgar scene comes on the screen while you're watching a movie with your parents.

69) Seeing the number 69 and knowing you can't laugh about it in public.

70) When you say you're asian, and the person says you don't look chinese at all.

"Whutchu talkin' about, Willis?"

lisztomania

2011-01-24T13:44:00.003+08:00

It's just a short film my sister made. We were longboarding, and she thought it would be cool to make a video. It's filmed using an iPhone 4, by the way. The quality's not too shabby, if I do say so myself. It's nothing much, though. Please ignore the way I look! I was all tired, and sweaty and ew. We'll be making more videos in the near future, so stay tuned!

Hey, girls can ride too.

slipped away

2011-01-19T20:10:00.001+08:00

“Laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as you live, dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today,”

Ever since this morning, those exact words echoed in the back of my skull. Life is too great to be put aside and ignored. You live only once, and when you're gone, you'll never get the chance again.

Earlier this morning, I received distressing news about a boy's tragic death. My heart jumped for a second when I read his name. It was Ali Hasnan. I couldn't believe my eyes, really. At first I thought "Hey, it might be just another Ali, someone I don't know. Not that Ali," but no, it wasn't. It was that Ali, my former schoolmate. We were never close, he was just someone that I happen to know, somebody that I used to go to school with, somebody who was my friend's ex boyfriend, but his death was definitely a shock to me. I've never really been good with dealing with grief, even if it was caused by someone who I didn't really know. Reading all of the heartfelt messages left on his Facebook by his friends, it was just so heartbreaking. Especially when you see that before all the condolences, he got ample of birthday messages. Trying to comprehend both the celebration of his day of birth and the grieving of his death at the exact same time, I felt.... overwhelmed.

Might seem a bit ridiculous to some of you out there to hear this coming from me, considering that I don't know him that well, but hey, his death was still a tragic loss. Despite it all, he was and still is, loved. His friends, his family, they all loved him, and they lost someone dear to their hearts. I offer my sincerest condolences to those who are grief-stricken by his passing.

A tragedy like this is supposed to be a wake-up call for all of us, but why are we still wasting our lives? Just imagine, it was Ali's birthday yesterday. He just turned 18, and he got into a freak accident just after 12AM this morning. This shows that we all don't know where or when we're gonna go, so we should all live everyday like it's our last day on Earth. God works in mysterious ways, remember that. There's a reason why God took Ali's life so soon, but whatever the reason is, he's in a better place now.

Al-Fatihah.

reverie

2011-01-11T01:11:00.008+08:00

Time: 1:11AM

Date: 11/1/2011

Day: Tuesday

I'm not really in the mood to write right now, but since it's 1:11AM on 11/1/2011, I'll make an exception. Did anybody else noticed how fast time went by, lately? Just the other day, it was the beginning of a new year, and now it's already the 11th day of the year. I don't mind if time went by fast, cause I really wanna get Form 5 done and over with, but it's just kind of scary, you know.

School's been pretty much neutral to me. I don't hate going to school, but I'm certainly not a fan of waking up early in the morning, showering in the cold and going to school looking like a muslim-zombie-in-a-tudung. Hey, I like zombies, but not when I am one. Anyway, I haven't made any teachers hate me, so that's good, right? Hmm, let's see what else...

Oh yes! This March, MGMT is coming to town! I already got my ticket, and I just can't wait to see them live. I absolutely love their music, and not to mention the sex-god himself, Andrew Vanwyngarden (shut up). I hear they sound absolutely amazing live, so that just makes me even more stoked.

Are there any other weekend warriors out there going to their concert in KL? :)

one day, you'll be the death of me

2011-01-07T08:44:00.003+08:00

"And in the dark I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound but then it stopped and I was in the darkness so darkness I became,"

This is pretty random, but here it goes - I hate the fact that I never seem to finish writing all the songs that I have written. They're always halfway done or just fragmentary bits and pieces that can't seem to fit together. It happens every single time, and quite frankly, I'm annoyed. To this date, I've only successfully finished writing enough songs to make 3 debut albums, but trust me, if I somehow magically find a way to finish all of the unfinished songs I have written, I would probably have enough songs to make 20 debut albums, no joke. Same thing with writing all together.

I tend to start writing until I reach the 3rd paragraph, and then I'll just go blank. I'd be staring at the screen for hours and hours, thinking of what else to write about. Then I'll just give up midway and click on the Save Now button to save it as a draft. Man, if you guys could see the number of posts that I wrote but didn't publish on my blog, you'd be surprised.

I really need to work on my writing skills. Right now, my writing is just... mediocrely vague. It's somehow missing that one true essence of writing that I can feel tingling in my spine whenever I'm reading a Paulo Coelho or a J.D. Salinger book. You know, that feeling you get when you're listening closely to a song, analyzing every single word and you're just wondering how the hell the composer write such brilliance. Yes, that feeling. I don't know, maybe not all of us can be as virtuosic or as adroit at writing like some people. Oh well... you know, sometimes I wish I could access both parts of my brain at the exact same time, since we only get to access like what, 20% (not sure if this is true or not. Go google it!) of our brain power at one time? Just try to picture it:

Analytic thoughts + imagination = a whole new level of artistry.

I'd be writing bestselling books, composing awe-inspiring masterpieces, inspiring other aspiring songwriters/authors. I'd be one kickass writer! Sigh, if only...

saudade

2011-01-05T02:06:00.008+08:00

"Throughout your life, you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they won't judge you. This person is your soulmate, your best friend. Don't ever let them go." - Unknown

Nothing makes me happier than seeing couples walking around hand-in-hand with huge grins on their face. One look at their faces and you can just tell that they're hopelessly in love with each other, and nothing in this world can stop their undying affection towards each other. One look at their faces and you can just tell that they're each other's best friends, and they tell each other everything. One look at their faces and you can just tell that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other. One look at their faces and you can just tell that they know each other the best, in ways that you never even knew.

Watching those kinds of people together never fail to make me smile. They are living breathing proof that magic exists. Love is a special and magical thing that only some people are lucky enough to actually experience its full potential. Nowadays, it scares me to see so many people out there with hatred written all over their faces. They do not appreciate the beauty of this world, the wonders. It's just so beautiful, why can't they see it? Don't waste your time with people who do not appreciate your existence. It makes me cry a little to see all these beautiful lovers wasting their precious time fighting about the most stupidest things. It's just, I don't know, it makes me sad.

You have at your fingertips the most beautiful thing in the world. Savour it. I would kill to have my true love right there beside me. Okay, maybe not kill, but I would appreciate it way more than you people would, but unfortunately for me, it's gonna take time. It's okay, I'll wait. It's not like I'm gonna die, right? *chuckles* But you, you already have it, you'd be stupid if you took it lightly.

To those who have found the one, please don't ever let them go, and don't ever toy with their emotions. The feeling you're left with after they're gone is just too painful to even be put into words. Trust me, I know.

falling out of trees

2011-01-03T03:10:00.006+08:00

"This was our song, I still see the lights, I can see them,"

I don't know why, but I have this sudden urge to go somewhere. Far, far away from where I am right now. When I close my eyes, I can somehow see it, but it's dark. Really dark, but bright at the same time. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I need to get away from everything.

Earlier today, I don't know what came over me, but I actually went to the Malaysian Airlines and AirAsia website to check the flight availability. The funny thing is, I checked the availability for January 2012. Good to know that my common sense is still in control. So yeah, I checked for available tickets to London, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Paris. My oh my, what big dreams I have, but I just couldn't help it. I really really want to go somewhere. Seeing all those photos of people exploring other countries and cities just makes my jealousy level hit an all-time high. No seriously, I'm actually turning green with envy right now. Well, since I can't really travel now, I'll just have to settle for after I finish high school. Thank god I only have one more year of school left. These urges I have to travel aimlessly are just too strong, but I think I can hold it in for another year. What harm can that do, right?

I've got everything planned out - I'm gonna try to find a part-time job, raise enough money for a two-way ticket to anywhere but here. Quite frankly, I'm getting sick of Malaysia. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love my country, I love the people and I love living in it, but I just need a fresh sight. Somewhere I can be whoever I wanna be. A place where I can actually wander around freely without having my family breathing down my neck. Once again, don't get me wrong, I love my family to death, but sometimes you just need to get away for a little while, you know?

Oh, what am I saying? I think I'm alone on this one. But then, there's bound to be someone out there, just one person, who's got the same idea I do, who wants to get away from everything too. Whoever you are, show yourself. Sometimes it's great to know that there are people out there like you. It's so hard right now, you have no idea. Just imagine - you and me, traveling aimlessly in a city we're not familiar with, exploring a world we never knew existed. Imagine the wonders!

Dear god, look at me. Wide awake at 3:28am on a school night, consumed by wanderlust.

Sigh.

brightest

2011-01-01T01:11:00.000+08:00

Today's date: 1/1/2011

Time: 1:11am

Day: Saturday

It is officially 2011. Wow, a whole year just passed by. 365 days. Feels like just yesterday, I was starting a new year as a Form 4 student. Now, in just 2 days, I'm gonna start my school year as a Form 5 student. A senior, if you must. Bloody hell, am I nervous. Not only is this my last year in high school, it's also the year that I'll be taking the most important examination ever. Okay, well not really 'ever', but it's the most important examination for now.

Anyway, you know how everybody's saying that since it's a new year, it's also the perfect time for them to transform themselves into someone better? Yeah, I've been saying that throughout 2010, but I still haven't changed one bit. Not to me, though. I don't know, maybe I've changed in your eyes, I just haven't noticed. I don't think I'll be changing myself anytime soon though, I might reinvent myself, a little tweak here and there, but I sure as hell won't change my entire persona.

It's a new year, and I don't have any resolutions. None, zero, zilch. I just can't think about it right now. I usually create all these resolutions that are just impossible to resolute in a year. These things take time, and I'm pressuring myself to finish them in a time period of only 365 days? No thank you. I'm just gonna be realistic right now, and say that I will not be having any resolutions this year. Okay, maybe I have a couple, but mark my words, they are all things that I can achieve... I think.

1) Get kickass results on my SPM.

2) Make my parents proud by getting kickass results.

3) Spend everyday like it's my last day on Earth.

4) Save up some money/get a job.

5) Live a healthy lifestyle.

6) Write more.

7) Broaden my horizon (don't ask).

8) Use my camera more. Poor Cannonball, all dusty already.

9) Party hard.

10) Work on my bass face.

Ignore the last two, it's just something that I needed to have on the list, okay? You ask why, and I'll kick you so hard, you'll see the curvature of the Earth. Yes, that's a line from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I love the movie, okay! Gah, stop asking me questions! D:

Oh geez, my paranoia is kicking in. Oh well...

Happy new year, zombies!

boom shakalaka!

2010-12-31T05:19:00.003+08:00

Guess who wished me a happy birthday this time?

It's Daryl Sabara! For those who don't know who Daryl Sabara is, he plays Juni Cortez, the little brother on Spy Kids. I'm not really a die-hard fan, but it's still kinda cool that he wished me back, you know? First Michael Cera, now Daryl Sabara. Even though I kinda had to ask them to wish me, oh well. At least they're nice enough to reply to me HEHE :P This is just too cool. Plus, he's kind of hot now. Kind of. #justsaying

wonderstruck

2010-12-28T04:07:00.004+08:00

Hey everybody! I'm finally sixteen today! Went out to celebrate my birthday yesterday by playing laser tag with some of my friends. Awesome day, I must say.

BUT! The highlight of my birthday was when somebody wished me a happy birthday. He's pretty much the most adorable person ever, and I love him so much. This is easily the best birthday present I've ever gotten.

Michael Cera, thanks for making my birthday extra awesome! You adorkable little Canadian turtle, you :')

Now, I shall sleep with a gigantic grin on my face. Goodnight everybody!

freak on a leash

2010-12-24T23:35:00.002+08:00

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That! The buzzing sound. It's bloody loud,"

"What ringing sound? Dude, there's nothing here. It's fucking quiet. Now, can we just go?"

"Wait! I know I heard something! I swear to God, I heard something,"

"You're being paranoid, there's nothing here. It's just a vast empty field. The only thing you can find here are grasshoppers and the grass they live in. Unless you're gonna dig up a hole to try to get to the worms, I don't think you're gonna find anything else here that's gonna attract our attention, man. Let's just go before we get caught,"

When the buzzing sound started to disappear, he thought he was just imagining things, so he took a couple steps back, then the buzzing sound stopped. Disappointed, he walked back to his car that was parked under the maple tree just outside of the field. Just as he was about to get into his car, there it was again. The buzzing sound, but this time, it was louder. It sounded more distinct, and it started to get louder and louder, as if it was getting closer to him.

"No, wait stop! There it is again!"

"Dude, I swear, if you don't get in the car in five seconds, I'm gonna leave you here!"

"What the fuck are you talking about? It's my fucking car! I have the keys right here,"

He then dangled the car keys in front of his friend's face. Annoyed by his friend's sudden paranoia with the non-existent buzzing sound, he just shrugged and continued doubting the buzzing sound.

"Have you gone mental? We're out here, in the middle of fucking nowhere, and you're telling me that you're hearing things. Great, just great! You don't sound crazy at all! In fact, why don't we go look for this magical buzzing sound that you've been hearing all night, it's not like our safety matters, right? Heck, I think I'm starting to hear it too!"

"You are?!"

"Absolutely! Oh wait a second, I think I'm starting to hear fairies talking in the background, and, oh! I hear trolls too!"

"Yeah man, your sarcasm won't work on me anymore, so screw you,"

"Seriously man, we should really go back. It's 3AM on a Friday night, everybody else is out partying and we're here? Damn it, if you don't get in the car, I'm gonna leave you here alone, do you hear me?!"

"How are you gonna go back? I have the bloody keys, smart ass. It's my car,"

"I'll walk if I have to!"

"Pfft! You? Walk? It's pitch dark. You're saying that you're gonna walk all the way back to your house from here, without anybody else to accompany you? Dude, you can't even walk from your house to my house in the middle of the night, and I only live 2 blocks away from you!"

"Fuck off, man! I'm serious! This place gives me the creeps,"

"Why in the world would it give you the creeps, there's nothing here!"

"Exactly why it gives me the creeps! It's big, open and it's pitch dark. For all you know, there could be, err-- nevermind,"

"Oh my god, you think there are ghosts here, don't you?"

Without a moment to soon, he started laughing hysterically. To find out that his 18 year-old guy friend is afraid of seeing ghosts just made him crack up.

"Shut the fuck up man! That's it, I'm leaving,"

He started to walk further and further away from the field, and into the darkness. His friend now looked like a mere shadow figure from where he's standing. Even though he was worried sick about his friend's well-being, he knew his own well-being meant more, so he continued walking, slowly leaving his friend alone in the middle of nowhere. About an hour later, he reached home safe and sound without a scratch on his body. The next day, he discovered that his friend hasn't returned from where they were yesterday.

Years have passed, and no one knew what happened to his friend, nor the origin of the buzzing sound that his friend said he heard. He tried looking for his friend, but he couldn't seem to get back to the field. Even after he retraced his steps, it only led him back to his house. Now, the buzzing sound that his friend said he heard during that uncertain night is starting to echo in his ears. He couldn't stop the buzzing sound, no matter how hard he tried to drown the noise. As days flew by, the buzzing sound got louder and louder, as if something, or someone was getting closer.

He still doesn't know what it is, or what is coming after him.... until now.

you'll be mine again

2010-12-23T03:40:00.001+08:00

Now, this is a movie I wouldn't mind watching. Plus, Tom Sturridge just looks mighty fine.

it's a hit

2010-12-21T05:04:00.007+08:00

No matter how pretty you are, you'll always think that there's someone prettier than you, and that you're not pretty.

No matter how wealthy you are, you'll always think that there's someone richer than you, and that you're not fortunate.

No matter how smart you are, you'll always think that there's someone smarter than you, and that you're dumb and stupid.

No matter how talented you are, you'll always think that there's someone more talented than you, and that you're useless.

No matter how skinny you are, you'll always think that there's someone skinnier than you, and that you're fat.

No matter how lucky you are in life, you'll always think that there's someone luckier than you, and that you're not privileged.

Nothing seems to be good enough for you. Why? You're perfect, just the way you are. You're beautiful, just the way God made you. Screw those people who say you're ugly, or fat, or poor, or stupid. Screw all those people who said you were useless in life. You're better than this.

Stand up, smile... and prove those fuckers wrong.

weightless

2010-12-20T06:33:00.007+08:00

I like hugs :B

21 and 28

2010-12-17T15:36:00.007+08:00

Guess what today is? :3

It's Taylor York's 21st birthday! To top it all off, it's also Ben Goldwasser's 28th birthday too! It's scary to know that they both share the same birthday, but at the same time, it's so fucking cool that a couple of my favourite guys share the same birthday. So, to celebrate (even though they have no clue who I am, and will never ever get to see my appreciation towards their existance), I'm gonna spam my blog with Beno and Taylor!

*You have been warned!

I chose this video because Ben looked so adorable in it, wearing all black and shit. Andrew looks amazing as always, but let's not make this about him, shall we?

--------------------

You guys should watch the behind-the-scenes of Playing God. Taylor's laugh :')

--------------------

P/S: I love Pop Tarts too, Taylor :B

--------------------

He should stay clean-cut and wear his glasses all the time. Just saying.

--------------------

His curly hair is just too adorable.

--------------------

Okay, well I think that's enough.... for now. Until next time, cheers!

your hand in mine

2010-12-14T04:37:00.005+08:00

"The earth is not a cold dead place,"

Dec. 14, 2010

Tonight, the meteor shower will be at its peak stage. As I'm writing this post, Explosion In The Sky's Home is slowly echoing in my ears. Perfect combination? I couldn't agree more. The last time I've been blessed with the opportunity to watch a meteor shower was the Perseids meteor shower back in August. I didn't really get lucky back then as I only caught a glimpse of it, ending up with only one photo of the meteor shower. A couple of minutes ago, I managed to see one meteor, but I know in my head, that's not enough.

Later this evening, I will be going to Tieha's house and we're going to witness the meteor shower together. The plan is to go to Desa Park City after hours (I don't know if we're gonna get shoo-ed or not, though. Fingers crossed!) and watch the shower on the hills. I really hope nothing goes wrong, because I really really want to see this. I wanna be able to witness something so beautiful and amazing, that I feel like crying and smiling at the same time. Something that's gonna make me feel so inspired that I want to write songs about it afterwards. Something that's gonna make me feel like I'm floating in space but I'm in a state of euphoria at the same time.

So, to those who are looking to feel the exact same way, I suggest you take this opportunity and stay up to watch the meteor shower. Join me as I marvel at the astonishing beauty of this very universe. I might be a little wonderstruck though, but screw it. Okay well, we all won't really be together, but we'll be together in spirit, I guess. Err, that sounded kinda creepy, but you know what I mean.

Until then, thank you and goodnight.

it's working

2010-12-13T23:17:00.001+08:00

Guess what happened today?

I went out for dinner with my family, and my dad parked his car in the parking lot in front of the row of shops. So, being the genius that I am, I decided to walk around the back of my car instead of the front. As I was walking on the curb like I always do, you know the ones they have beside ditches, to prevent people from falling into it? Yeah, so anyways, I was walking on the curb, when suddenly, I accidently hit a lamp post and well, what do you know?

I fell into the ditch. The 6-foot deep ditch that was right beside of the highway. It was waist-deep filled with mud and water. Filthy water, obviously. Thank god, I didn't put my phone and iPod in my pocket, or else it would've been drenched in water! Being the ninja that I am, I landed on my legs, with both my arms stretched upwards, causing no damage whatsoever to the electronic devices I was holding in my hands. Unfortunately, I lost my slippers in the water, but that was the least of my concern. When I landed in the ditch, the only thought that was in my head was "What the fuck was I thinking?! I'm such an idiot,". I called out to my parents, but none of them could hear me, since they both have already reached the shop lots. My sister heard me though, and the first thing she did? Laugh. Bloody hell, I was stuck in a 6-foot longkang, and all she could do was laugh? FML

After my sister saw me, she called out to my parents, who later helped me out of the ditch. First thing I did once I was out of the ditch was laugh. I swear to God, I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, what the hell man? I fell into a fucking ditch. That's not really something one could say on a daily basis. My dad wasn't so happy though, he was so angry at me that he immediately lost his appetite and drove home. After I finished cleaning myself, I went out for dinner as if nothing happened.

I came out with only a soaking wet pair of jeans and ripped pockets. No harm done. Yes, I am one bad ass mother fucker, if I do say so myself.

fixed at zero

2010-12-10T04:07:00.002+08:00

You know what I'm craving for right now? Waffles.

Well, that was a weird way to start this off with, but what the hell. I want waffles and I shall tell the whole world about it! So yeah, recently I've been getting long-ass questions on my Formspring, mostly asking me for advices, which I am more than happy to help out with, just so you know. I actually love it when people use my Formspring to ask me for advices or help rather than sending me anonymous hate statements, which by the way, does not make you a better person. So, to those with problems, or you just wanna talk, or let your heart out, just ask me a question on my Formspring and I'll be more than delighted to answer them. Just so you know, I answer every single one of my questions truthfully, so go ahead. Ask away :)

P/S: You can either use the form that's already here on my blog OR you can just click on this link - click!

first breath after coma

2010-12-07T04:45:00.005+08:00

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No, I don't wanna fucking talk about about, okay! What the hell are you doing here, anyway? I didn't ask for any god damn help."

"You look like you could use it. You can tell me, I won't judge. I promise,"

"Yeah, right. They all say that, and then what happen? They leave. So, I suggest you just save yourself the trouble and go, just *sigh* go,"

"No, I will not take a step back until you tell me what's wrong. God damnit, just tell me,"

"Fine, you wanna know? I'll tell you what's wrong. It's the world. That's what's wrong. The whole entire world. They don't care. When have they ever? It was only me all along. I was the only one who actually cared and look where that's gotten me. Every single time, every god damn time. Oh god, I'm so stupid. Why do I always fall for it? I'm so gullible. I give them help, show them I care, and when they recover from it, they just leave. I'm just the fucking useless doormat. After they step all over me, they move on through the door and into the house. They don't remember me. They never do."

Suddenly, under his breath, he whispered,

"But I remember you,"

"WILL YOU JUST STOP IT?! Stop being so nice to me, I can see right through you. You never cared too, you had all those other girls around you, you never had time for me. I'm just someone you know, whom you barely even talk to. Just stop being so pretentious and just fucking leave, okay? I don't need your fucking sympathy,"

Those words struck him hard. Without even blinking, he walked in front of her, grabbed her by the arms and tried to shake some sense into her.

"Have you completely lost your mind?! All this while, you don't see it, do you? I cared. I was there, I just never showed myself, because I was such a coward, and that was my fault. I should've just showed you the side of me that wanted your attention. I craved for your attention. You were just too caught up on the fact that you didn't have anybody else when I was there all along."

As those words echoed through the midnight air, she froze. She just stood there like a statue. Seconds flew by and he could see the corner of her lips starting to curl upwards, slowly forming a smile. The smile that he has been longing to see, and without a moment of hesitation, he kissed her.

days like masquerade

2010-12-01T02:39:00.003+08:00

*checks calendar*

"It's December already?!"

My my, 2010 went by fast, kind of like a Ferrari overtaking a Perodua Kancil on the Federal Highway. Feels like it was just yesterday that I started my year as a Form 4 student, and now in a month, I'll be a Form 5 student. Damn, I'm scared shitless right now, you have no idea. Being in Form 5 can only mean one thing: SPM

This might be a bit premature, but wish me luck.

i'm a fake

2010-11-30T03:13:00.000+08:00

Small, simple, safe price, rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts, much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid, to fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife.

- Bert McCracken (The Used)

old time's sake

2010-11-29T02:35:00.003+08:00

"Walking on the hills at night with those fireworks and candlelight, you and I were made to get love right,"

While I'm writing (or in this case, typing) this blog post right now, Melee's Build To Last is blasting through the speakers. I totally forgot how the songs on Melee's Devils & Angels album can make me so happy! Brings me back to '07, but I don't really want to get too much into the details right now, so let's just leave it at that. Is it me, or did November went by in a flash? It's already the 29th! Two more days until December. Seems like just yesterday that the school holidays start. Woah, I guess time really does fly when one's having fun. Hmph, go figure.

Since I'm already here, I wanna let you guys in on a little secret - I'm really good at reading people. It's kind of like a gift, because I can tell a person's character and personality by just looking at them, seeing how they type/text or even through their handwriting. You know what the funny part is? They're usually right! (Well, so far) I'm not passing judgements, if that's what you're assuming. It's kinda fun, cause I can tell who's friendly, and who's not, who has a boyfriend/girlfriend and who doesn't, who's fun to hang out with and who's not. Still not convinced? Go ahead, try me :)

Hey, if I'm wrong about you, prove me wrong then :B

electric feel

2010-11-23T03:16:00.002+08:00

Holy smokes, can you get any hotter? This is just so fucking adorable, you have no idea!

Nothing sexier than a guy who loves cats <3

P/S: Andrew VanWyngarden, I will stalk you when you arrive here in KL. Be warned...

MGMT

2010-11-19T01:24:00.002+08:00

"What makes you happy? i'm asking this because i'm not sure what makes me happy..i just need to know what make others happy :(" - Anonymous

What makes me happy? Damn, I don't really know the exact answer to this question, but actually, everything makes me happy, really. Spotting a rainbow, running in the rain, seeing or hearing things that make me smile, making other people happy and looking up at the night sky to see a cluster of stars visible to my naked eye. They all make me extremely happy, but you wanna know what makes me happy the most? Waking up in the morning, knowing that God has spared my life for another day. Then I can spend the day doing the other things that make me happy. I know it's a bit cliche, but whatever. Everything makes me happy and that's that :)

That, right there is a question I've recently gotten on my Formspring. It took me at least 3 hours to answer that, no joke. I just stared at the empty answer box for hours, thinking about what really makes me happy. It kinda got me thinking about how short life really is, and it shouldn't be wasted on hatred and pessimism. So, from now on, I'm reinventing myself. I know I've said it a thousand times, but this time, it's for real.

No more Emo Me, say hello to Happy Jia! :D

this heart, it beats for only you

2010-11-17T03:15:00.005+08:00

"I don't think I'm ugly. God created me, so I have to be beautiful... right?"

Remember when I said in an earlier post that I have a crush on someone? Yeah, well that kinda ended for me. I don't like having crushes, it messes up my mind. Especially crushes whom I already know I don't stand a chance with. I mean, yeah sure, I kinda like the whole "butterflies in stomach when you see his name" thing, or the "oh my god, he's online" phase, but I think it's all just a waste of my time. I already know he's not interested, he has his eyes set on someone else, so why bother right? RIGHT? :/

Pretty random post, but whatever. Just wanted to let that out, really. I wanted to call someone to, you know, talk or something, but:-

1) I don't know who to call.

2) It's 3:13 in the fucking morning.

3) Even if I call somebody, I don't think they'll be too happy to talk at this hour.

4) aaaaand I'm using my phone as internet. So whatever kind of phone call I make immediately cuts off the internet.

Thank you, and good~~night~~ morning.

wish you were here

2010-11-14T22:08:00.007+08:00

"Tears are words that need to be written," - Paulo Coelho

I absolutely hate it when I see the people around me fight. Especially when they're a couple and they're supposedly in love, it just drives me mad. Oh, and I absolutely can't stand it when people are sad. I just immediately get this intense feeling inside of me to try and help them as much as possible or even just give them a big hug. Hey, I'm a hugger okay? When I see sad people, I'll most probably ask you what's wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be nosy or whatever, it just means that I care. I've never had people do the same to me, well maybe it's because I'm usually the one doing it to others.

While I'm on the subject, I can't help but see that I'm always the shoulder to cry on, the friend people go to whenever they need an advice or help. I try to help, though. I mean, every time people are sad or in a crisis, and I help, I get this sense of accomplishment. I finally feel useful and needed.

I just want everyone to be happy. Cheer up :)

mustache

2010-11-13T22:44:00.007+08:00

"I wish I could be a wayfarer. See the world from a whole new perspective. Slow down on life itself and just cure my lust to wander the unknown. If only,"

The school holidays are almost here. Three more days, to be exact. I can't wait for this school year to end. Seriously, I just want to get Form 4 done and over with. They say it's the 'honeymoon' year. Pfft, it sure as hell not! I'm actually eager to enter Form 5. I mean, I'll be seventeen next year. Fucking seventeen. That's pretty huge, if you ask me. The last year of school, me as a senior. This is all too weird, but exciting at the same time. Just imagine - me, a seventeen year-old, a senior. Sounds funny, but whatever.

2010 got off to a rocky start, then it kind of got easier, and then not so easy, and sometimes just plain fucking hard. I'm not really in the position to complain, so I'll just let it pass by. The year is ending in two months, and I might as well make the most of it. Even though it started off a little bit hard, I can always end the year with a bang, and celebrate the new year as a new person. While we're on the subject, I was reminiscing a while ago and I couldn't help but see that I've changed so much. I've grown so much, as a person. I'm not really the same person you knew back in '09. How do you say this, I, err... reinvented myself? For the better though, I hope. It's not easy leaving your past behind you. I've pretty much learned it the hard way... sort of.

I can't just say that I'm the only one who changed. Everybody I've once knew are gone now. They've all transitioned into other people. Some good, some bad, some I just don't recognize anymore. But hey, that's life, right? They come and go all the time. I should just care about those who came and never left. I mean, why wither when you can just move the fuck on? They're only human, can't really blame them for letting themselves get brainwashed by the world. Everybody change, not always for the better, but yes. They do. I can't really stop it, heck I can't even stop it from happening to myself. I appreciate it now though, I'm not the same person anymore. I kinda like the "new me". She seems fairly acceptable, I guess. What do you think?

Just to get everybody's attention, I am single, yes. And the truth is? I'm not in a rush to change that anytime soon. I'm not desperate to find a guy, I'm not hunting for one. I'm just going with the flow, see where life takes me. I couldn't help but think about how some of my friends think I'm actually, how do you say this, dying inside? Well, I'm not. Just mind your own fucking business. I love you guys to death, trust me, but you gotta let me breathe a little. I'm old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. I don't need people breathing down my neck 24/7. I really don't need anyone setting me up with anybody. I'm only sixteen, for crying out loud. My only priority right now is studying my ass off, pass SPM with flying colours, get a kick-ass scholarship, and then go to a decent college *cough* Taylor's *cough*.

Maybe after high school, just maybe. But I'm not just gonna get into a relationship just because people tell me to or because other people are already in relationships. I'm fine the way I am, thank you very much. I'll just do whatever it is that I'm doing. Living in the moment - that's pretty much my tag line from now on. I shouldn't be thinking too much about my future, it's literally driving me insane. Plus, I'd rather have a best friend than a boyfriend right now. It's less... complicated? Oh, and yes, to crush that god-awful, exasperating rumor once and for all - I am currently crushing on someone. I think. Seriously, everybody's got a crush on someone, right? And don't try to fish it out of me cause I ain't telling. I have a feeling it's gonna be short-lived, though. Because he's hung up on someone else (of course). Damn.

Come on people, I'm a realist, not a fucking robot.

suck it

2010-11-11T05:07:00.000+08:00

You know what? It's funny how every time I meet people who happen to have read my blog, they'll go all "Why are you so emotional all the time?" or "Why are all your posts so deep?". Well, it's because the things I write here are the things that I've never gotten a chance to say out loud or talk to anyone about. Sue me, okay. I don't have any best friends to share all these with. Actually, now that I've mentioned it, my blog is pretty much like my very own best friend. I write everything here. Anything that happened to cross my mind or something that I just felt like saying, but never had the courage to say in real life. Anything that you've never heard me say, they're all written here. So yeah, I am emotional here.

But I make up for it by being awesome in real life. True story (Y)

Oh yeah, to those who just can't stand it, get the fuck off my blog.

#prayforindonesia

2010-10-27T01:19:00.005+08:00

I'm happy tonight. I don't know why, but there's this huge grin on my face right now, and I can't seem to wipe it off. I noticed that I tend to get inspired when it's after midnight, with music playing in my ears and the swift breeze of the midnight air caressing my skin. It's like my safe-zone, and the truth is - I'm glad that I'm inspired only during times like this. Very easy to write in an etherealized environment. As I was saying, I'm happy tonight. I'm grateful tonight. It's been months since I've felt like this. Honestly, I don't want it to stop. Being happy is what I've been aiming for, and now that I actually am, maybe I can continue living my life in peace.

Speaking of life in peace, I couldn't help but see that Indonesia is currently anything but peaceful. The country was recently struck with a chain of disasters; volcano eruption, tsunami and earthquake. I honestly can't imagine how things are over there. My heart goes out to those whose lives are taken away or harmed by this unfortunate event. To know more, you can read the full article here: click!

Seeing how bad they've been struck with disasters that are very much unforeseen, I can't help but think about how lucky I am that Malaysia has not been struck by the same bad luck Indonesia had to go through. Makes me think about how we should all live life to its fullest. There's absolutely no use for us to mope around all day about the most absurd reasons when our neighbouring countries are being hit with life changing disasters. Some countries are busy dealing with poverty while we, the more fortunate strut around babbling about how we don't have enough of the things that we don't even need! Some countries are at war while we, who have been raised in a very civilized environment can't even control our discipline. Some countries are suffering from food deficiency, while we, who are blessed with more-than-enough resources are starving ourselves on purpose just so that we can look like those girls on the runway.

Think about it, folks. We are blessed in ways that other people can't possibly dream of. What you have now is enough, don't get all bratty if your parents don't buy you the new iPhone 4. Suck it up, some people can't even afford food, let alone a cell phone. It's just sad to know that today's generation are not even educated about what's going on around the world. All they care about is what's new, what's in trend, what's gonna make them popular. Well, give it a rest, kids. The money you used to buy those expensive pair of shoes that you never even took out of the box could've been used to feed 50 starving children in Africa; just saying.

"The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it," - Plutarch

placebo

2010-10-25T23:45:00.009+08:00

Do you know that feeling you get when you know what you're gonna say, but you just don't know how to explain it to others? I'm getting that right now, except with writing. I know, in my head what I want to write about, but when I click the 'New Post' button and go to the page, I just go blank looking at the blank space in front of me. It's frustrating really, to know what you want to write about, but you just can't seem to find the right words to express them with. Well, since I'm already here, might as well give it a shot. So, here it goes;

Lately, I've been feeling a little, I don't know, jaded? Or somewhere along the line. Okay, I'll just stick with walking-talking-breathing contradiction. I do believe that I've become what I've feared the most. Not just that, I sometimes feel like I'm a contradiction with a hint of uncertainty and a dash of idiosyncrasy. That's just me. Always changing, constantly. Don't know if it's for the best or for the worst, and it's not even by choice, it's by force. Like mother nature or something. Okay, I don't know what the hell I'm babbling about right now, but it seems to be fitting with my situation right now. I feel vague, and I don't think that's a good thing. Day by day, it just seems to be getting harder and harder, and I don't know if I can catch up to it. I've been running all my life, and I just want a pit-stop. Just to catch my breath, and clear my mind. I need to step back and just watch the world spin while I'm in my state of inertia.

I still don't know what I'm regurgitating about right now. My mind is so cluttered, that even my blog is being affected by it. To those who read my blog, you either have to have a weird mind to understand this, or you're just like me; which I personally think is worst than being weird. But who gives a fuck? It's my blog, it's my space, I can do whatever the crap I want. I can write whatever the hell I want. Anyways, I've been really messed up lately. Although people immediately assume that I'm alright by just looking at me, they have no idea what's going on in my mind. It's like a rush of adrenaline, but to my brain. Did that even make sense? It did it my head, okay! Whatever, I'm pretty much brain dead right now, so ignore the uncanny use of words.

Moving on to something more mundane; I seem to be getting mixed signals from people. It's like one minute, "Hey, I like you and all," and the second, "Oh my God, she's so annoying,". I can't really help myself. I'm a pessimistic optimist. Or an optimistic pessimist. Both meaning the exact same thing. But I prefer using the word realist. I don't think people really like me that much, but then I also think that some people actually, open-heartedly like me. That's nice to know, considering I've been feeling like crap lately. My self-consciousness has reached an all-time low. It's so low, that you can barely see it anymore. Paranoia has made its way to me too. I get all paranoid and self-conscious whenever people write mean things about someone on the internet. Like on Twitter, or Facebook, or even their blogs. I keep thinking that they're talking about me. Every single time. Every single gossip, I think it's about me. I don't know, maybe it's something that I really need to work on. Sometimes, even when I don't know the person at all, if they start writing mean things about someone, I automatically think it's about me. Which is really bad for my head, you know. I keep thinking like a pessimist, that I don't actually make the time to be the optimist that I know I really am. Somewhere deep deep deep inside me, I know there's a cheeky giddy girl who likes rainbows, and smiles. Blah blah blah...

Okay, what the fuck am I writing about? I can't even understand what I just wrote! God, I'm so bizarre. Well, I think that's all for now. I would probably be writing another blog in the near future, possibly something that makes more sense that what I just wrote here, right now, but then, anything else would make more sense, really.

I was lost, but now I am found.

& in that instant, we were alive.

it's magic!

2010-10-25T01:43:00.003+08:00

It's been aeons since I've last written here. I don't know why, it's just that I'm lacking inspiration and motivation. Gah, I'm usually the person who writes all the time, but, err, I don't know. Things change, I guess. But the irony of the situation is that I'm really on the fence when it comes to change. I mean, things change, yeah I get it, but do they change for the better or for the worst? That's my main question, but the only problem is, nobody knows. So, we just gotta let change happen :/

The last time I actually wrote on my blog was when, three weeks ago? That's like a century to me. Maybe it's because I have so much going on in my life right now. With school, final exams, my health, events, shows etc, I just never made the time to actually sit down, open up my Blogspot, and just write. But I am now! So, kudos to myself for this :D

Okay, let's see what has happened since the last time I was here. Oh yes, I got really sick on the day of my first exams, which sucked because I was in so much pain, my head was throbbing like crazy, yet I still had to finish my Bahasa Melayu's 350-word essay. I gotta tell ya, it was the worst! Thank God Neesha had Panadols, so it made it a little better, but it was still hell. I was so sick, that I couldn't even go to Adam Lambert's concert on Friday. My ticket went to Myra though, so it wasn't really wasted, but still. All I did was stay at home, went online, played the piano, the guitar, watched TV, and ate my medication. Worst 3 days of my life, period.

But the weekend was fun though! It was the SMK Bandar Sri Damansara 1's Graduation Dinner for the Seniors of the school. Frantic Friday (my band) got a slot to perform that night, and it was okay, except I screwed up a bit on the songs, but it's cool, cause I don't think people actually heard it. Overall, the whole night was hella fun. People were dancing and having fun towards the end of the night. Love was definitely in the air for some of the Seniors of BSD1. Happy for you guys! Make it your year, what's left of the year anyway :)

And last but not least, PARAMORE. It. Was. Awesome. Enough said, really. To those who went, they'll know what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, just in addition, I was in the front row. Righttttt in front of Jeremy and Taylor. Oh, have I mentioned how adorably hot Taylor is? I've never really seen it before, but my God, he's hot. That's enough about Taylor :')

Moving on, I think that people are starting to actually care about my personal life, to say the least. My classmates are starting to get all curious and all up in my business, I'm just not used to people actually wanting to know about me. It's scary, actually. And a bit annoying. I mean, nowadays every single guy that I talk to, they instantly assume that I like him. I mean, really? That's just how I treat my friends, who happen to be guys. Chill, people. I made a vow to myself to not be in a relationship until I finish high school, anyway. Not like I'm actually searching. When it comes, it comes. I'm not gonna go out there and search for it. I'm just gonna let it happen.

Thank you, and goodnight folks xx

i'm not saying i'm sorry

2010-10-06T00:51:00.004+08:00

a thousand seas

2010-09-29T04:28:00.004+08:00

"Have you ever wondered how it'd be like if we lived in a parallel universe?"

Well, I have. All the fucking time. It's constantly in my head. Just imagine if you met me, but a completely opposite side of me. I think she's great. Considering who I am right now, anybody could be better, really. But seriously, I really want to live in a parallel universe. That way I can really know who everyone is.

September is coming to an end, and I just feel like making October a month of parallel temperaments. A whole different side of me - hopefully for the better. I'm not really liking September Me. She sucks, big time. And I think I know a number of people who would agree in a heartbeat.

You know, like I've said before, over and over again - I'm not really anybody's favourite.

perpetual burn

2010-09-25T03:09:00.002+08:00

Wow, people really don't like me, huh? Maybe it's because I'm not cool enough for them. Oh well, that's okay =)

lovers in japan

2010-09-24T04:21:00.002+08:00

It was the second day of the Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia. It was a wet day, and the four of us woke up late. As always. As we sleepily walked to the closest bathrooms, people were already having breakfast, notes in their hands. I hurried to the most comfortable shower room, i.e. one with properly attached door.

I grinned stupidly as my three friends groaned in defeat.

Half an hour later, we walked in the heavy rain towards the examination hall, still munching on the last pieces of our Oreo. I was soaked wet as I took my place a few seats behind Lynn. I mouthed her good luck and she gave me a thumbs up.

When instructed, I went through the English 1119 question paper. My eyes automatically scanned the last line of the question, the open essay option. 'Beauty' was the title. Nice, I thought. I winked at Amy who chose that moment to glance in my direction. It was going to be easy.

To say that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder would be cliché. But then, truth is truth. It would be a senseless action to deny the long-acknowledged quote. Everyone is beautiful, in many ways that not everyone can see. My name is Hana Alia, and I am, of course, beautiful. Beauty is abstract, and if you would not tell me that I am indeed beautiful, then I will myself.

I reread the first paragraph on my essay. Snobbish, really. But I liked where this is heading. And so I continued..

I first met the guy who changed my life when I was turning 25 years old. It was probably the worst day of my life, but also a turning point. I woke up early; it was a red letter day. I was momentarily dazed by the clear blue sky outside my window before lazily walked to the bathroom to shower. I took my time, knowing that it was still too early to head off to college anytime soon. Little did I know that I haven't ironed my best blouse and had forgotten to pick up my laundry from the dobby. Despite my early rise, I was running late. I was forced to resort to a faded jeans and a striped tee, which in any case, was mismatched.

I had to skip breakfast. I noticed the silence in the apartment, which had to mean that my mates had all left me. I sighed. Rushing to my Mini Cooper S, I almost tripped in panic. I cursed the 4-inches stiletto heels and changed into my worn out sneakers. I checked my Swiss watch and breathed a sigh of relief. I will make it in time, I said to myself. Only to find out seconds later that I had left my car keys in my bedroom. Again, I hyperventilate. I went back inside and grabbed the keys. As I started the engine, I breathed in another gulp of fresh air, I had half thought the engine would not start just to complete the series of bad kismet- not unlike what always happened in bad comedies.

I hummed to Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing and my heart started gaining it's normal rhythm yet again.

Did I mention it was the worst day of my life? The silver baby skidded to a halt five minutes from college. The engine went dead. I clenched my fist tight and tried thinking straight. The exam was to start in ten minutes and I would have just enough time if I made my way on foot. I thanked myself for changing into sneakers instead of heels. My pace quickened with every passing minute. I tried to recall the notes I had gone through the night before and forced myself to ignore weird stares from the people on the street. Of course, I had to walk only a few minutes before I fell flat on my face. It was the last straw.

My left knee was bleeding. I stared blankly to the earth I fell on and to the other passers-by. I cried my lungs out. Having been born and raised with a golden spoon in my mouth, I rarely recognize pain. That particular fall was such a blow. The embarrassment was unthinkable. I sat on the pavement, hugging my knees, wondering why it had all gone wrong.

Ahh. The first few paragraphs full of unfortunate events. Was I exaggerating too much? But there was no backing up by then. I put down my Pilot and looked around the hall. Invigilators were chatting and moving around, nosing in our papers. Lynn and Amy looked bored. Sha was grinning to herself, so did I when I saw her. I let my eyes travel further. And I saw him, the back of his head. I smiled. He looked hot even while writing a bloody essay. Even if only seen from the back.

"Miss.." I heard someone saying. I looked up.

"Yes?"

"Err, mind if I ask you what's wrong?" A gentleman asked me.

"Everything is!" I half-shouted.

"Come, let me walk you up to college."

"I want to watch sunset in Japan. I want to plant a Sakura and watch the flowers bloom and fall and fly. But all I did was being stupid today!" I sobbed.

And then I let him walk me straight to the exam hall. Along the way, I did not stop talking, whining to the perfect stranger. I cried and he wiped my tears. He assured me everything would be fine and he'll always be there for me. I did not know why, but at that moment, he had my faith, all hundred percent of it. He wished me luck and said he'll pray that I do well.

"And by the way, you are very beautiful. No matter what the world think of you." His last words echoed at the back of my mind as I made my way to the allocated seat. I was fifteen minutes late, but none of the invigilators asked anything.

The final paper of my final semester exam mercifully ended 2 hours later. I hurried to the cafeteria to satisfy my grumbling stomach. And there he was, the perfect stranger again. He waved at me, inviting me to come over to him. I smiled, and although I didn't fancy making friends with any stranger, he had been kind to me. And I was somewhat embarrassed to act like a baby. As I walked through the thinning crowd, I caught my reflection on a full-length mirror. I was horror-stricken.

I looked downright ugly. My hair was all over the place. My face shone in the sun, it was too pale. My eyes were blotchy, owing to the fact that I cried my heart out right before the exam. My nose was red and I was everything the opposite of beautiful. How could he utter the words about me being beautiful? He must've been blind. Or maybe he was just trying to make me feel better.

I later learnt that his name is Adzlan Hakim and that he had always had his eyes set on me. He was afraid to approach me before because I was this rich, smart, spoilt girl that everyone had been talking about. At the sight of me being vulnerable, he decided that I was only human. A special human, as he put it.

I paused again. Where is this heading? I eyed him again. My eye candy. He ruffled his hair. Put down his pen. Stopped writing. And looked around. If my looks could burn, his skull would be on fire. I remembered a few nights before, during the traditional BBQ fiesta. He snatched an earphone from my left ear and plugged it to his. We sang along to the song 'True' by Ryan Cabrera. Our song. He has been mine, for three months technically, but I could never let myself accept that fact. It was too good to be true.

Four years later, we are happily married.

As I'm writing this today, I am sitting on a rooftop on one of the most magnificent building in town, watching sunset and falling Sakuras. 'Lovers in Japan' by Coldplay could be heard distantly, sometimes drowned by the laughter of our twins. I am happy to be beautiful for him.

Everyone is beautiful. As for me, my beauty lies in the eyes of one Adzlan Hakim. In my ugliest state, I am still his beautiful. And if you don't have any Adzlan Hakim to tell you of your beauty, look in the mirror, look into your heart, and say that you are beautiful. And you will be. In time, your own personal brand of Adzlan Hakim will come along.

Just remember of your beauty.

I concluded my essay with a smile. I had just enough time to check for errors, and I gave my Adzlan a final look before the invigilator picked up my paper.

I caught up with Sha, Lynn and Amy. All four of us did question number 5, of beauty. And three months later, all four of us was rewarded with an A+ by the kind examiner who marked our papers, whoever he or she is. And I got a 1A for my GCE-O. I guess the people from Cambridge don't mind crappy love stories after all.

"Hey you. Masih cantik. Semakin cantik." He told me.

Amazing story. Simply amazing. And to think that this person wrote this essay on her SPM examinations.

http://www.kapasitor.net/en/shortstory/post/1973

is this the real life?

2010-09-23T02:14:00.002+08:00

I can't help but look around me and see happy people. They're happy now, finally. But, I don't think I am though. God, this is tough. Everything I do now seems to be a bit detailed. I haven't been myself, that's for sure. I want to be happy. That's a lot to ask for, but that's all I want. Not money, not self-recognition, just happiness.

I try to pray five times a day, I try to force myself to go to school and make an effort for my future, I try to smile all the time, I try to make everybody feel good around me. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't keep it going. My faith is deteriorating little by little. No, not my faith in God, but faith in myself. It's hard, you know. Trying to please everyone around you, knowing that you yourself are not pleased. And when I take time for myself, I hear people talk. And it's literally killing me, people.

I just want to be happy. That's all. But then, life's not supposed to be easy peasy.

the age of man is over

2010-09-19T04:01:00.003+08:00

When I'm down, I compliment other people, leave comments telling them that they're beautiful, and that apparently, lights up their day. But frankly, I really just don't want anybody to feel the same way I feel :-)

swedish meatballs

2010-09-18T03:33:00.003+08:00

"If only I can look up to the sky and see this many stars illuminating the midnight sky. For once, I want to be able to look up and actually see a cluster of stars instead of satellites,"

Oh, I forgot to add one more thing to do on my Bucket List!

22. Play hide-and-seek in Ikea.

Well, I think I don't really need to explain myself about it that much, huh? It pretty much says it all. Wanna join? ;)

the bucket list

2010-09-16T03:17:00.006+08:00

"It's true, look how they shine for you,"

These past few days left me thinking - what if I die tomorrow? Or even in my sleep. I can't control death, or how it works, but the only thing I do know, the one thing that I'm certain of, is that we all die. Every single one of us. Absolutely no mortal being can escape it. It's just the nature of life. We only get one shot in life, and if I ruin it, I'm done, there's no turning back. Which is why I've come up with a list - a bucket list, if you will. Things that I would want to accomplish or do before I die.

1. Skydive.

For years, I've been yearning the adrenaline rush you get when you skydive. It looks fun, it looks dangerous, blah blah blah. I don't care, either way, I will and I am going to skydive one day. I can't wait to actually feel the rush. Some might say I'm chasing death itself. Whatever, I'm still going to do it. I will.

2. Bury a time capsule.

I don't really have a long explanation for this one. It's just something that I would want to do. Just think about it - how cool would it be to actually have someone in the future find it? Enough said.

3. Leave a love note on a car windshield.

Hey, everyone deserves some loving, right? Even if it's just a small yellow Post-it :-)

4. Stand in the middle of Kuala Lumpur's busiest street, and just smile at everyone who passes by.

Sure, they'd think I'm crazy and out of my mind for smiling at random strangers, but what's the harm in that? Oh, and statistics show that you can expect an average of 73 out of 100 strangers to smile back =)

5. Send a message in a bottle.

No reason, in general. I just want to write a note, put it in a glass bottle and throw it out to sea. Don't ask why, I just want to.

6. Sleep under the stars.

What could be better than sleeping under a billion stars? In the cold, open space, in the middle of nowhere. It's the ideal scenery. It has always been something I've been wanting to do, but I never really got the chance to. Just wait, when I get my driver's license, this will be the first thing I will do. Just me, a blanket and the midnight sky. But then, I wouldn't even be sleeping, I'd be too mesmerized by the beauty of the universe.

7. Witness a meteor shower or an aurora.

You wanna know why I'm so eager to? Because for once in my life, I want to be able to witness a miracle. I want to feel that feeling you get when something extraordinary happens. I want to experience the moment. This is pretty much a once in a lifetime chance, so I will not let it slid through my fingers so easily. So, don't come to me and tell me to give up. This is my only chance and I'm not gonna miss it. Although, it would be nice if I had someone else to share it with, but it's alright :)

8. Dance in the rain.

I know this sounds a bit cliche (what am I saying? It's absolutely cliche!) but whatever. I just want to dance around in the rain and forget about everything. Life, friends, family, problems. Just let go and be myself.

9. Tell someone the story of my life, in details.

All my life, I've always been a private person. I don't really like telling people my problems, only to leave them having to carry that weight on their shoulders too. It's just something I'm not comfortable conversing, you know? But maybe, just maybe, I could find someone worthy of it. Someone who won't judge me by what I did, or get bored. They'll just sit there and listen. That would be refreshing, absolutely refreshing.

10. Travel the world.

One day, and this I can promise you, I will be traveling the world - high and low, left to right. I will circle the globe. With only a camera in my hands, a backpack on my back, and a head filled with imagination and dreams, I will make this real. And it will be the best damn thing I have done in my life. I don't care if I have to do it alone, I don't care. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll meet someone along the way. Somebody with the same amount of dreams and passion I have. I will. Don't laugh, I swear to God, I'll make it happen. InsyaAllah.

11. Dive the Great Blue Hole in Belize.

The crystal blue water, amazing sky, great atmosphere, swimming with a diverse species of sea creatures, what could be better?

12. Get away.

Run off to a quiet beach somewhere off the map and just sit there, listening to the sounds of the waves crashing ashore, pelicans flying here and there, watch the sunrise and sunset and wonder how such beauty could exist in such a cruel world. You know, just sit there and read, or let your mind wander off while your inert body just sits there, waiting. I need to go to the beach, now.

13. Take a walk or cycle in the middle of the night.

The cool air, the serene atmosphere. Just me, myself and the world.

14. Tell someone I love them.

A friend, family or even just someone that means a lot to me. I would just pick up the phone, or better still, go and visit them and tell them what they mean to me. Those three little words are easy to say and yet can mean so much. I've never had the guts to say those word before, ever. But hey, you never know. I might have the courage to actually say those words to someone.

15. Go outside and lie on the grass.

Just lie back and feel the grass, look closely at a daisy, or look up and take in the magnitude of the sky and not rushing myself. I can stay there for as long as I want, who cares? It's not like I'm breaking the law!

16. Have a food fight.

Seen them in movies and TV shows, but never really been in one. I've always wanted to smash a pie on someone's face, or being chased around with eggs in their hands. Yes, it's childish and immature, but it's now or never, right?

17. Watch a movie in the cinema alone.

Every time I watch a movie, it's of course with someone else. My sisters or my friends, don't matter, there's always someone there with me. But this time, I just want to watch a movie, no drink, no popcorn, just me and the screen. People might think I'm weird for watching a movie in a cinema alone, but who cares. Mind your own business, party poopers!

18. Fall in love.

Pretty obvious what it means, huh? Well, I'll spare you the intricate details, then =)

19. Learn to dance.

I've always wanted to dance. From ballroom to hip-hop, I don't really care. I just wanted to dance. Unfortunately, when I start dancing, I look like I'm caught on fire. Oh well, I can always learn in the future, right?

20. Witness a miracle.

I have nothing to say here. I haven't seen a miracle so I wouldn't know how to feel, really. So, let's just leave this space blank until I finally get to witness a miracle.

21. Be happy.

To many people, being happy means lots of things - to be in the company of family and friends makes them happy, to see the look on a child's face or to wake to a beautiful morning gives them joy. Well, I want to experience that. Whatever it is, I'll make time to do it and do my best to brighten the lives of others. Enjoy the sights and sounds of this world. See good instead of bad in each other and remember the glass is half full, and not half empty.

Cheers, mate xx

stuck in reverse

2010-09-14T04:55:00.003+08:00

I want a miracle to happen. I need a miracle to happen.

I need to go to the beach.

hi

2010-09-12T00:13:00.000+08:00

I've never really been anybody's favourite person, or the go-to girl. For years, I've struggled with being self-conscious, that it was literally eating me up inside. You know how everybody has somebody that they will always go to, or look up to. I do have one, but sometimes I feel like maybe, just maybe.. I would be that person to somebody else out there. I'm not asking for attention, God no. It's the last thing on my mind. I just want to be somebody's someone. Like a best friend. I never really had any. I mean, I have a bunch of close friends, but none I would be comfortable enough to call my best friend.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I still haven't found the one person that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to. I mean, best friends don't talk about each other behind their backs or get mad at each other over a small mishap. Most importantly, a best friend won't judge. A best friend should always be that one person you can always count on. All of my close friends have their very own best friend, I suppose. I wonder if I am actually considered a best friend to someone.

Actually, truth be told, I have always wanted a guy best friend. Not a boyfriend. A best friend who happens to be a guy. Guys are easy to be around with cause they pretty much don't care about how I dress, or what I spend my money on. I can tell him anything, really. They don't get jealous easily, they don't gossip too much, they don't care about how they look, they won't take a century to get ready, they won't talk about their friends, cause apparently, Bros come before Hoes. So, if I'm his best friend, I can be categorized in the Bros category. Plus, he can be like my very own personal bodyguard MUAHAHAHA >:D

just so you know

2010-09-11T13:54:00.000+08:00

I'm not gonna give in to your immature status-to-status or tweet-to-tweet hate battles. It's stupid. Kalau tak suka, cakap lah up front, don't write it on your status or tweets to let everyone know or aggravate the situation.

Pfft, idiots.

reinvent

2010-09-11T03:26:00.004+08:00

As you all may have heard, Vox is closing down. So, since I can't write on Vox anymore after this, I decided to revamp my blog - I changed to a new layout. I'm sorry to the creator of this layout, your credits seem to be missing, I don't know why :/

Anyway, I guess I'll be starting to blog here from now on. Until then, cheers :-)

deprived

2010-08-26T02:45:00.001+08:00

fuck you.

by the river piedra I sat down and wept

2010-08-26T02:12:00.004+08:00

There's always that time when I just feel like, well, life could be better. I'm not saying it sucks or anything, but it sure can use a boost. I'm okay now, but still, I would like for it to be more ideal.

I noticed that I'm more of a loner. I like to do things by myself. For instance, I like to walk in malls alone, I tend to draw myself out from the crowd and go read a book somewhere quite or something. When I go out, I like to divert myself from everybody and just take a walk alone. It's calming, really. I like being alone, it's the only time I have to actually think about things.

Now, I'm not saying that I wouldn't want company, I would, if somebody decides to join in, as well. But, it's less messy if I just go alone. I don't know, maybe I just want a chance to walk in a bookstore alone, take a book, go read it in a corner somewhere, and suddenly out of nowhere, a stranger walks by and we just instantly connect. You know, like in movies and books. I would absolutely love for that to happen to me, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. I'm sure there are hundreds of people like this out there, I'm just hoping I could actually meet one and, you know, share it with them. It's nice to be alone, but sometimes it's nicer to have someone else there. Being alone is even more fun if you're doing it with another person (if that makes any sense).

If you happen to see me curled up in a corner at Kinokuniya or Borders, don't be afraid to say hello! I might be alone, but in my heart, it would be nice if I had company :-)

perseids

2010-08-13T00:38:00.003+08:00

Just 3 hours ago, I posted on my Facebook that I want to be able to witness a meteor shower or an aurora before I die. Then, 2 hours later, I got the news that the whole world would be able to witness the Perseids meteor shower later tonight. Oh, how I was ecstatic. I mean, it's like God just answered my prayers then and there. Everybody's saying how it's not going to happen, that we cannot see it, and why bother trying. I'm not gonna give up. I need to see it.

You wanna know why I'm so eager to see the meteor shower? Because for once in my life, I want to be able to witness a miracle. I want to feel that feeling you get when something extraordinary happens. I want to experience the moment. This is pretty much a once in a lifetime chance, so I will not let it slid through my fingers so easily. So, don't come to me and tell me to give up. This is my only chance and I'm not gonna miss it.

Although, it would be nice if I had someone else to share it with. I'm pretty sure everybody else is gonna go back to sleep and give up before the clouds can even clear up. That's alright though :)

infatuation

2010-08-12T08:05:00.004+08:00

Life is subjective. You never know what might happen. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, your life will eventually move on. I'm saying this under personal experience. My life isn't exactly sugar-coated nor is it perfect, but I will always get back up and move on with my life. There's no use moping around all day and pretending like there's no solution to your problems. There are. All you have to do is find it.

I find it very difficult to continue living like nothing is wrong. It's exhausting, to be honest. I mean, it's not like I have anybody to share it with, which makes it even more exhausting, since I have to pretty much go through it alone. But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna give up.

Life's a climb - but the view's great.

Okay, I know it's cheesy. It's a quote from Hannah Montana: The Movie (it was on TV last night) and I thought hey, it pretty much fits in the genre of my post tonight, so what the heck? All I'm saying is that now is not the time to give up. Just imagine, you were born perfect and you want to take your life away just because of some problems. People with cancer can live like nothing is wrong, why can't you? Look, these obstacles that we go through everyday is what makes life realistic. It's what makes you human. You wouldn't want to live in a world where every single thing is too good to be true, now wouldn't you? Challenges bring out the best in you, so I've heard.

You know the phrase 'nobody's perfect'? I for one think that it's pretty much the unofficial catch phrase for The United Nation of Pessimists. I mean, how can you think nobody's perfect? You can be perfect if you choose to be. It's not impossible. Being perfect doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be boring or the society's own version of perfect. No, it means that you could be perfect in a way, you know what I'm saying? I personally think that the word Perfect shouldn't be known for its supposed-to-be notorious meaning. Perfect is a word you use when you want to say that something is just the way you want it. It doesn't have to be stereotyped as one meaning. Everything in this world is subjective, our job is to fill in the blanks with what we feel is right.

Perfection is just a well-hidden flaw. If you can keep going on with your even though your life without letting your problems get in the way of you, then you would actually be perfect to me because you're willing to continue living your life the way you want to, despite the fact that your life is actually a living hell. And with that, I bid you all good luck with your lives. May Allah bring peace and happiness into your world here and in the afterlife :)

Stay tenacious. Peace xx

c-ch-che-check it out

2010-08-10T03:53:00.006+08:00

For the record, I re-updated my Vox! It's pretty much revamped. I deleted all of my previous posts and even changed the layout. You're welcome to sneak a peak ;)

http://wombatgirl.vox.com

Oh yeah, I also updated my Flickr too. It's been a month since I last uploaded a photo on my Flickr. It's so sad how I've succumbed to procrastination, I've been so lazy to update anything now! My blog, my Vox, my Flickr, even my Formspring. But tonight I made a vow to myself, that I will update anything and everything. So, if you have nothing else to do, feel free to browse :-)

http://flickr.com/photos/syazajia

prejudice

2010-08-08T02:34:00.004+08:00

I honestly don't know what to write on my blog anymore. I mean, usually I would update my blog on the get-go, but, err, I don't know. Things change man. I'm not in the mood to blog right now.

Goodbye xx

would you smile a little smile for me?

2010-08-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

congratulations

2010-08-04T06:32:00.000+08:00

When he was laughing at the dog = (Y)

good looks are often flawed by poor personas

2010-08-04T02:30:00.002+08:00

I can't do it anymore. I thought I could, but I can't. It's eating me up alive.

Oh God, please help me.

be the bigger man

2010-08-03T00:09:00.004+08:00

Everyone gets angry and wants to fire back at someone. Everyone gets hurt, or has someone that talks about them. Everyone will lose someone they once thought was a friend.

What do we do when it happens to us? We let it go and be the bigger person. By reacting to someone that is trying to hurt you or talk about you, all we do is become that person. And believe me, that is the last thing you want. Think about how that person has no confidence in themself. Think about how that person wishes to see you suffer. Think about that person who is trying to make themself look better by talking about you. These people are bullies. Today they are known as “Haters”.

What is a “Hater?” A hater is someone who is jealous of you. A “Hater” is someone who can’t stand to hear about your success. They spend countless hours trying to devise plans for your demise. These people are the opposite as leaders. Stay away from them, it is only a matter of time until they will ruin themselves. There is no need to waste your time with someone like this.

Going back to martial arts in life, use your greatest self control to keep yourself in check. If you react to their negativity, you are not being “the bigger person.” Haters often try their hardest to get a reaction out of you. Keep your cool, and don’t give them the satisfaction. As you have heard, “Silence is golden.” Haters have a hard time being rejected, it makes them look in the mirror and see themselves clearly. They will come to realize that no one really enjoys being around them. The only people that surround them are in fear of them.

If there are people out there who you know in your heart is “hating on you” be the bigger person and just let them keep talking. When others hear them, you won’t have to say anything. Because they've said enough. Let them do the talking for you!

Why do they talk about you?

1. When some talks about you - It really is just them saying how unhappy they are about themselves.

2. When someone makes fun of you - It shows their insecurity about themselves.

3. When someone put you down - It's to make them feel better

4. When someone is spending their energy to hurt you - Take it a compliment, because they are really just jealous and want to be you. They just won’t say it.

The only thing we need to do is:-

1. Don’t Fire back, and stoop to their level.

2. Use self control and concentrate your energy on moving forward.

day 27

2010-07-28T10:47:00.004+08:00

The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Remember when Tokio Hotel came to Malaysia? They held a concert at One Utama, it was pretty much a small thing, actually. Not more than 5k showed up, I think.

Anyway, that's where I met these pretty cool group of people that were standing in a 5 feet radius to me during the concert. I didn't know them, or their names, but they're the friendliest people I've met for only a day! I mean, for the whole concert, we practically got each other's backs. Whenever we wanna move a bit to the front, we create a chain so that we won't get separated and all of us get to go to the front. Oh, and they shared fans with us, and even water. This one girl even let me use her phone a couple of times. How nice, right? The guy next to me was nice enough to let us know what was going on up in front considering we are too short to see beyond people's heads and he was pretty much, well, tall.

So yeah, they're pretty much the friendliest people I've met for only a day. I mean, I didn't even get their names, let alone their contact numbers or anything. I think Hui Xian's still in touch with them though, I never got a chance to. Oh well :)

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

day 26

2010-07-28T10:41:00.001+08:00

The last person you made a pinky promise to

Err...

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

day 25

2010-07-28T10:37:00.004+08:00

The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Hey you, yeah you.

I know you're going through a tough time, but I just want to let you know, I'm here for you. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'll be your friend when you think you don't have any, I'll be your shoulder to cry on when you feel like crying, I'll be the person you can trust when you feel like you can't trust anyone anymore.

I'll be there, buddy. You can count on it :)

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

life as we know it.

2010-07-26T00:32:00.003+08:00

"I would just like to say, even with all this madness going around, you're still my friend, and I would like it for us to stay friends,"

My life has been a complete and utter whirlwind. Ups and downs, the goods and the bads, it's completely overwhelming to me. I'm still getting used to it, all these changes. Change is good, but not all the time. I would like for things to stay the same but still have changes, for the better, that is. I'm sixteen, heck I haven't even turned sixteen yet, but I've gone through so much in life, sometimes I feel like I'm going through it alone. But the fact of the matter is, I'm not alone. I have the love and support from my close ones. They're amazing. Honestly, they're the reason why I keep on living my life. I know this may sound corny, but without them, I am nothing.

I try to make it seem like everything is okay, but it's not actually. It's complicating. My life doesn't suck, it's just hard to understand. I have to tell you, sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I don't think straight. I cry and cry and cry, thinking that it's the only thing I can do to make myself feel better. It's not. It just leaves me hanging on an emotional thread that's waiting to be cut. I shouldn't allow myself to be too vulnerable to the public. To the naked eye, I may seem like the typical emotional wreck, but I'm not. It's just something I do to make myself feel better. Well, to try and make myself feel better.

I shouldn't let some people stop me from living my life to the fullest. I live my life for myself, and myself only. My only goal is to be successful here in this world, and in the afterlife too.

InsyaAllah

Crying will only make me cry more, and cry more, and cry more until there are no more tears left for my eyes to exude. I am strong, but I am also vulnerable. Most people do not know that about me, and I don't blame them. Judging a person by their first impression has always been human nature, and I cannot stop that. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to stop six billion people from passing judgements? The answer is I can't. Pulling through is all I have left to do. Recuperate my strength and energy to continue living until one day, I fall and will never get back up again. I need a change. A good change.

As of right now, I'm revamping my life. Transform my life from something that I have now, into something better. Much, much better. Change is the only thing that can change the situation right now.

Wish me luck,

Day 24

2010-07-25T02:40:00.003+08:00

The person that gave you your favorite memory

To the person who gave me my favourite memory - thank you.

All those sleepless nights, those wonderful coincidences.

But now I have to move on, since you've obviously had. Even though it's my favourite memory, it's still bittersweet. Despite all the pain and sorrow I've been through because of you, you've made an impact on my life that no one has ever successfully done.

And for that, I thank you for those memories <3

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

Day 23

2010-07-25T02:35:00.005+08:00

The last person you kissed

I love my cat <3

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

Day 22

2010-07-25T02:22:00.004+08:00

Someone you want to give a second chance to

This topic is ironic. Severely ironic. Want to know why?

Because I think the person who should be given a second chance is me.

I constantly blow the chances that has been given to me, and to be honest, I don't want to blow this one too. If you would just give me another chance, I promise you, world, I will not let you down.

I won't.

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

divertion

2010-07-23T12:45:00.002+08:00

I can't help but think about 10 Things I Hate About You every time I look at JGL's face. He has grown up well. But rest assure, you will always be Cameron <3

Day 21

2010-07-23T00:44:00.002+08:00

Someone you judged by their first impression

Well, to be honest, I tend to judge everybody by their first impressions. I try not to pass judgements too quickly, but it just comes naturally, you know? It's human nature to judge someone by their first impression. But I'm trying hard to not judge someone by their cover, or judge them too quickly before I even take the time to get to know them. I mean, how would you feel if someone thinks you're something that you're not? You'd be pissed, am I right?

First impressions are important, but not always right. Try not to pass judgements too soon, okay? You never know, that person might just end up as a friend :)

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

Day 20

2010-07-23T00:30:00.002+08:00

The one that broke your heart the hardest

I knew this question was gonna come. It's like the 'IT' question. But for once I'm actually prepared to write this letter because frankly, no one has ever broken my heart.

I'm glad that no one has, or has even come close. I do hope it won't ever happen to me in the future though. I hate the way I feel now and it's not even close to heartbreak. I wouldn't wanna know how heartbreak feels. No freaking wayyyyy.

Until then, good riddance.

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

day 19

2010-07-21T02:27:00.003+08:00

Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

It's safe to say that nobody has been pestering my mind these past few weeks. Good or bad.
Thank God.

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html

day 18

2010-07-21T02:22:00.004+08:00

The person that you wish you could be

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted,

I wish I could be good,

I wish I could be different,

I wish I could be anyone but me.

http://nerdasaurus.blogspot.com/2010/07/letter-day.html