It's been approximately three months since I last wrote here. I miss it, honestly. Words cannot describe how exhilarating it used to make me feel whenever I click the "Publish Post" button at the bottom of the page. It was like freedom to me. A transient release from the mess going on around me. It might sound pathetic to you, but writing is the only escape I have right now. I still write though, but not as much as I would hope to. It's pathologically difficult for me to share everything going on inside my head to the world, so writing gives me that brief feeling of liberation.
Although I would love to have someone to talk to, people just seem so distant to me. Every single one of them. It's like nobody genuinely cares, or they just have somebody else that they care more about. I'm never good enough. Why am I never good enough? It boggles my mind that out of the almost-seven billion people on the face of this planet, I still have no one to talk to. Absolutely no one. Despite the fact that there are some who would blatantly admit that they are listening to every word I'm saying, the only thing they're satisfying is their craving for curiosity. I can openly say that I envy people with best friends. Just the mere thought of having someone else who is almost already a part of you makes me long for it. They just don't know how lucky they are to have people like that in their lives. Very, truly undeniably lucky.
My existence in this world seem almost futile at present. Every night, as I lay on my bed, continuously staring at the ceiling as if it were to slowly change into the vast open night sky filled with floating stars and hidden planets, I can't help but wonder - what am I to this world? Am I just a small speck of dust amongst a sea of diamonds?
Little by little, my sanity drifts away. I need reassurance. I long for absolution. I crave hope. Even in the face of all that is going on, I can't help but think maybe I'm just being impatient. Maybe, just maybe out of the blue, I'll find it. Whatever it is that I may find, I hope to God that it is what I need. Only time will tell. For now, I'll just have to survive a couple more years living in obscurity.
"Syaza Nadzirah is in need of being rescued. All heroes please apply."