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Saturday, August 25, 2012, 12:40 AM

August 25, 2012.



What does it take for one to break? Seriously. What does it take for a person to crumble, fall, sink, shatter? From what I've seen, people break down all the time. Anytime, anywhere. When it happens, it happens. Attempting to stop it usually just makes things worst.

The other day, I was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway and right when I glanced at the rear-view mirror, I saw a girl in the passenger's seat in the car behind mine, crying. I didn't just see tears, I felt the tension. I could only guess that the driver (and the person who might've triggered the 'waterworks') was her mother. I didn't know what they were talking about, or why the girl was crying but I knew one thing - after I had witnessed such sadness, I too felt a little...... destroyed.

It might have a little to do with the fact that for months, I have tried my hardest to hide how I really felt because frankly, that's all I can do now. Hide. But after that brief incident, I really couldn't hold it in anymore. It all just started pouring out. The tears, the anger, the disappointments, the memories - everything. I was lucky enough to be alone at the time, so I didn't have to hide from anyone. It was the most vulnerable I have been in so long. I felt gutted. My stomach was twisted into knots, my head was throbbing and my heart felt as if it was about to burst out of my chest. I felt liberated but at the same time, weak.

And in that moment, it occurred to me how truly alone I really am. I don't wanna talk about it with anyone but I know that I'm just torturing myself when I don't. But how can I? People are just too fucking hard to trust these days. You can't say a single word without feeling their judgmental eyes gazing back at you. Some might say they'll listen, but you know in your heart that they're really only curious. Nobody cares. And hey, even if they do, what makes you think that it'll last? There was a point in my life where I thought I might have had somebody to trust; somebody who genuinely cared but - as usual - that person started to drift away. Probably because they found somebody else, I don't know. Can't blame them, though. I'm an emotional mess.

I can guarantee you one thing though - there's not one soul on this planet who truly knows what I'm going through or who I really am and what my problems are. Maybe one day I'll meet somebody I can finally trust but until then, I'll just continue living a lie, pretending with this fake smile plastered on my face.


:)

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