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I'm Syaza.
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Sunday, May 30, 2010, 2:30 AM

Do you want to know why I've never been in a relationship? Why I've never even been on a single date, or had a boyfriend? It's because I'll usually end up getting my heart broken, even before I'm in a relationship. For instance, when I like someone, and I feel like they like me back, there's always that something showing me that it's never gonna happen. Always.

Every time I develop feelings towards somebody, it's always crushed. I never even get the chance to tell them how I really feel. How every time I see their name, my heart stops beating. How every time they reply me, I die a little inside. They don't know this. They don't know how much damage they do to me, even when they don't actually do anything to me. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about you. My face gets flushed every time I see you.

I cry every night, thinking how it would be like if you actually knew how much I'm hurting inside. You might not care, neither would you even do anything to stop it from happening again, but it gives me a sense of closure. I need that in my life. I get all nauseous every time I stop to think about what's really going on in my life. I don't know, maybe it's the feeling of abandonment. The feeling of actually being alone without anyone being there for me. No one to help me realize how great life is, actually. Right now, life seems a bit shitty, if you ask me.

You know what I need? I need someone who I know will always be there for me. Someone who will hold my hand when we walk, someone who will always be right there when I call, someone who will wipe away my tears when I cry, someone who will kiss me and tell me everything's gonna be okay, someone who will hold me tight in his arms whenever I feel like this.

These past couple of days have been the hardest on me. I look normal in front of you, but behind closed curtains, I weep. I think about what's wrong with my life and cry a river so that I can actually feel better. I have no one to comfort myself but me. I cannot rely on other people. In the end, all that's left is me.

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