"When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend,
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations."
As you may have figured out, I am officially a high school graduate. Should I be ecstatic about it seeing as that was the only thing running back and forth in my mind while I was sitting for my exams? Yeah, but what I'm feeling is a little bit different that what I had hoped. To be honest, I'm not really feeling anything right now. Everything is just a blur to me; it's like nothing feels right anymore. Waking up at noon, body parts aching, head in a constant state of confusion, is this even normal?
Since I have already brought it up, I also realized that it's been ages since I last shed a tear. Is it because my life is finally at its place? I doubt it. If it were, I would actually be feeling something right now. Maybe I'm boycotting my own happiness, who knows? I guess I'm just so used to things never going my way, that actually having the freedom to mold my life the way I want it to be - even if it is temporary - feels........ strange. I'm not saying things are going the way I want them too, it's just not as bad as I remembered. Though I have to admit, people have been taking advantage of me. It's like I have no spine anymore, or even a say in anything.
I need to stop letting people walk all over me like a fucking doormat. For once in my life, I want to be able to do things for me and not think of anybody else. God damnit, I want to be able to be selfish for once without having to hear constant laments about it! I want to be able to fuck up in life and not worry about how others might take it. I keep letting others screw me over that I've programmed myself in saying "It's cool. I'm used to it," or "I'm okay, really!" every single time people bring it up. I need to stop constantly thinking about other people's feelings and start thinking about my own. It's been like this since I can remember, and it's always me who ends up getting hurt, not vise versa.
But I can't just start blaming the entire world for this. If it wasn't for me being the way that I was before, none of this would've happened, but it did. I don't know whether it's just me being oblivious or if it was the world who was oblivious. I guess now I just have to start actually getting used to all of this. Fret not, I've planned something especially for me in 2012. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something for myself and no one will get the chance to tell me otherwise.