| universal trailblazer (more...)

Saturday, February 25, 2012, 1:23 AM

Hello.

You may or may have not noticed my somehow long departure from writing; either way, it's been a while since I last wrote a proper post. You know, a post where I don't take less than half an hour to write. A post where I actually immerse myself in writing. I miss those times. Now, I barely even have time to do anything else, let alone write. If it weren't for the weekend, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. With Balmorhea's Constellations keeping me sane for the night, I shall attempt to write like I used to.

Everything has been pretty hectic around here. A million things have happened, I don't even know how to keep track anymore. It's like in just a split second, my entire world shifted. Things are happening around me in ways I would have never imagined, and I'm just there standing with my hands crossed over my chest thinking, "I wonder when I'll be able to feel a change like this,". Sometimes when reality gets too overwhelming to me, I retreat to my imagination. Over there, everything is possible. When I say everything, I mean everything.

Over there, I'm in love. Over there, I actually live. Over there, I'm happy. Which bears the question: is this the real life?

The people that I've gotten to know and the places I've seen, they're all amazing and I couldn't be more blessed but I can't help but feel like there's something missing. I don't know what exactly, but it's just not......... there. Maybe I'm overanalyzing things, who knows. But I can tell you this - you have no idea how many scenarios I've made up in my head. Everywhere I am, everything I do, I make up scenarios of how I want it to be like in my head. The funny this is, none of the scenarios ever actually happen. Maybe those are the missing pieces in my life, I don't know. I keep wanting things to go the way I want them to, but they never do. I think life is screwing with me.

In other news, I still don't know what to do after I get my results. It's not that I don't know what I'm going to do in life, it's just that I don't know how to start. Am I lost? Lost is an understatement. I'm in a dark abyss, or so it seems like it; an abyss of "what's" and "if's". Though, when you put those two words together, it kind of makes you wonder; anything can happen, but what if it doesn't? What if I'm not going to be the person I thought I was going to be? What if the person I don't end up with turns out to be the one for me? What if I was in love with someone right now? What if I was made to do something greater?

I have no idea what I just wrote, but at the same time....... I sort of do. I'm so weird.