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I'm Syaza.
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evening/morning
Saturday, February 25, 2012, 1:23 AM

"So, here's the thing, God......
I know I complain a lot, and I know that you and me,
we've got issues, but right now, just for tonight...
Thank you for her. Thank you."

Hello.

You may or may have not noticed my somehow long departure from writing; either way, it's been a while since I last wrote a proper post. You know, a post where I don't take less than half an hour to write. A post where I actually immerse myself in writing. I miss those times. Now, I barely even have time to do anything else, let alone write. If it weren't for the weekend, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. With Balmorhea's Constellations keeping me sane for the night, I shall attempt to write like I used to.

Everything has been pretty hectic around here. A million things have happened, I don't even know how to keep track anymore. It's like in just a split second, my entire world shifted. Things are happening around me in ways I would have never imagined, and I'm just there standing with my hands crossed over my chest thinking, "I wonder when I'll be able to feel a change like this,". Sometimes when reality gets too overwhelming to me, I retreat to my imagination. Over there, everything is possible. When I say everything, I mean everything.

Over there, I'm in love. Over there, I actually live. Over there, I'm happy. Which bears the question: is this the real life?

The people that I've gotten to know and the places I've seen, they're all amazing and I couldn't be more blessed but I can't help but feel like there's something missing. I don't know what exactly, but it's just not......... there. Maybe I'm overanalyzing things, who knows. But I can tell you this - you have no idea how many scenarios I've made up in my head. Everywhere I am, everything I do, I make up scenarios of how I want it to be like in my head. The funny this is, none of the scenarios ever actually happen. Maybe those are the missing pieces in my life, I don't know. I keep wanting things to go the way I want them to, but they never do. I think life is screwing with me.

In other news, I still don't know what to do after I get my results. It's not that I don't know what I'm going to do in life, it's just that I don't know how to start. Am I lost? Lost is an understatement. I'm in a dark abyss, or so it seems like it; an abyss of "what's" and "if's". Though, when you put those two words together, it kind of makes you wonder; anything can happen, but what if it doesn't? What if I'm not going to be the person I thought I was going to be? What if the person I don't end up with turns out to be the one for me? What if I was in love with someone right now? What if I was made to do something greater?

What if?

I have no idea what I just wrote, but at the same time....... I sort of do. I'm so weird.

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