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evening blues
Tuesday, May 1, 2012, 1:43 AM

"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on Earth, then I ask myself the same question."

A very good point you have there, Harun Yahya.

I think I ask myself that question every single day. I know that I can just easily walk out the door and go. I don't know where exactly, but isn't that the whole point? God, I wish things were simpler. I mean, I think about my life more than a normal human being ever should; where I'm going, what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be, who I'm going to meet. All these things are making me wonder so much and honestly, that's all I ever think about now.

In two years, I won't be in Malaysia anymore. I don't know how to feel about that. I knew what I'd get myself into, but I just went for it anyway. Am I scared? Yeah, a little bit. I'm not overly fond of not being able to see my family and friends for two years, but two years will go by fast. Going to the States should be fun, right? New people, new things, new atmosphere. I've always wanted to get away from everything, and now that I have the opportunity to, why am I having second thoughts?

I'm a little nervous to be going there alone. I won't know a single soul there, but that's part of the process, I guess. Meeting new people, making new friends, learning new things. I'll finally have the chance to be who I really am but for some weird reason, I can't seem to shake off who I am right now.

Bloody fucking hell, why am I doing this to myself? My life is actually going great right now, but the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' are haunting me in my sleep. I can't seem to run, nor hide from it. It's just always gonna be there. Whenever I close my eyes, whenever my mind wanders off, whenever I sit and just stare, it's taunting my life.

In two years, I'm not going to be in this country anymore. In two years, I'm going to be away from everything my life revolves around. In two years, I'm going to be even more alone that I already am.

What if I lose myself?

Oh, man. Here we go.

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