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I'm Syaza.
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Friday, November 23, 2012, 1:35 PM

"I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet,"

I don't know what to do. I just don't. This feeling, it's..... it's driving me close to insanity. I know that I'm growing as a person, it's just that I can't help but feel as if I've lost myself somewhere along the way. Just the thought of it can bring me almost to tears. I feel helpless, like I'm stuck in the middle of the vast empty ocean and the only way I can escape from this misery is if I let my body drown itself and go. But I know I can't do that. No matter how hard I try, it just won't let me. My body, I mean. Its natural instinct to keep me alive won't let me go. Why can't it just let me go? I'm sick and tired of always having to move my arms and legs to keep myself afloat. Perpetual misery - if it doesn't kill you - simply makes you go crazy.

I'm trying, so hard. 

You have no idea how restless this is making me feel. You know that feeling you get when you know something is wrong, but you can't seem to point your finger on it? And you spend hours and hours just digging through your mind in the hopes of finding what it is that's wrong? Yeah, imagine that, but amplified a thousand times. I was on my bed last night, thinking, scavenging my brain for that one tiny speck of defect that's causing my restlessness but I just can't seem to find it. It left me there, lying askew on my bed, staring at the ceiling almost as if it'll start spelling itself out in front of my eyes. For a minute there, I honestly thought I was losing it.

I'm not overreacting. I'm not over-thinking. I'm not over-imaginating. I'm not overreaching. I'm just a helpless girl trying to find an answer in this god-forsaken world. And it'll be great if I had somebody with me, but I'm not even able to handle myself. God knows I'm in absolutely no position to drag somebody down with me. I don't think I can handle such guilt, or disappointment. It'll destroy me. Pfft, like I'm not already broken. I'm literally just one tap away from shattering into a million pieces of tiny little enigmas.

That's all for now. If you're lucky, maybe the next time I'm here, you can hear more about my journey to self-discovery, then watch me slowly contradict every single thing I've ever stood for.

Well, maybe soon enough, I can fix, or find somebody willing (and capable) of fixing that one tiny defect in my mind. After that, we can all go dancing with unicorns on a double rainbow.


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