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I'm Syaza.
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Monday, October 25, 2010, 11:45 PM

Do you know that feeling you get when you know what you're gonna say, but you just don't know how to explain it to others? I'm getting that right now, except with writing. I know, in my head what I want to write about, but when I click the 'New Post' button and go to the page, I just go blank looking at the blank space in front of me. It's frustrating really, to know what you want to write about, but you just can't seem to find the right words to express them with. Well, since I'm already here, might as well give it a shot. So, here it goes;

Lately, I've been feeling a little, I don't know, jaded? Or somewhere along the line. Okay, I'll just stick with walking-talking-breathing contradiction. I do believe that I've become what I've feared the most. Not just that, I sometimes feel like I'm a contradiction with a hint of uncertainty and a dash of idiosyncrasy. That's just me. Always changing, constantly. Don't know if it's for the best or for the worst, and it's not even by choice, it's by force. Like mother nature or something. Okay, I don't know what the hell I'm babbling about right now, but it seems to be fitting with my situation right now. I feel vague, and I don't think that's a good thing. Day by day, it just seems to be getting harder and harder, and I don't know if I can catch up to it. I've been running all my life, and I just want a pit-stop. Just to catch my breath, and clear my mind. I need to step back and just watch the world spin while I'm in my state of inertia.

I still don't know what I'm regurgitating about right now. My mind is so cluttered, that even my blog is being affected by it. To those who read my blog, you either have to have a weird mind to understand this, or you're just like me; which I personally think is worst than being weird. But who gives a fuck? It's my blog, it's my space, I can do whatever the crap I want. I can write whatever the hell I want. Anyways, I've been really messed up lately. Although people immediately assume that I'm alright by just looking at me, they have no idea what's going on in my mind. It's like a rush of adrenaline, but to my brain. Did that even make sense? It did it my head, okay! Whatever, I'm pretty much brain dead right now, so ignore the uncanny use of words.

Moving on to something more mundane; I seem to be getting mixed signals from people. It's like one minute, "Hey, I like you and all," and the second, "Oh my God, she's so annoying,". I can't really help myself. I'm a pessimistic optimist. Or an optimistic pessimist. Both meaning the exact same thing. But I prefer using the word realist. I don't think people really like me that much, but then I also think that some people actually, open-heartedly like me. That's nice to know, considering I've been feeling like crap lately. My self-consciousness has reached an all-time low. It's so low, that you can barely see it anymore. Paranoia has made its way to me too. I get all paranoid and self-conscious whenever people write mean things about someone on the internet. Like on Twitter, or Facebook, or even their blogs. I keep thinking that they're talking about me. Every single time. Every single gossip, I think it's about me. I don't know, maybe it's something that I really need to work on. Sometimes, even when I don't know the person at all, if they start writing mean things about someone, I automatically think it's about me. Which is really bad for my head, you know. I keep thinking like a pessimist, that I don't actually make the time to be the optimist that I know I really am. Somewhere deep deep deep inside me, I know there's a cheeky giddy girl who likes rainbows, and smiles. Blah blah blah...

Okay, what the fuck am I writing about? I can't even understand what I just wrote! God, I'm so bizarre. Well, I think that's all for now. I would probably be writing another blog in the near future, possibly something that makes more sense that what I just wrote here, right now, but then, anything else would make more sense, really.

I was lost, but now I am found.
& in that instant, we were alive.

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