Wednesday, October 10, 2012, 11:07 PM
If you've been hanging out with me these past few months, you'll probably know how many times I've been bitching about a 'reset button'. This 'reset button' was supposed to be a new start for me, but every time I wanted to start over, something bad happens to me. I'm pretty sure all of my friends are sick and tired of hearing me bitch about how I can never get a fresh start because of the series of unfortunate events that have been following me.
If you guys are reading this right now, I'm so sorry for putting you guys through this. I really don't know what has gotten into me. It just seems like everything I do is wrong and everyone I'm associated with will, sooner or later, get infected with my bad luck. Maybe it's just me being the over dramatic little fucker that I am, I don't know. I really don't want to be seen as the pessimist, or the girl who's always worrying about her life. I used to be such an optimistic fireball. I don't know what happened to me, really. I'm pretty sure reality just came out of nowhere and yelled out "Surprise!" and smacked me right across the face.
Honestly though, I need to get the hell away from this place. Just being here makes me question my very existence every single fucking minute. That's not how life is supposed to be like! I mean, I haven't been here for that long so I wouldn't know how life really is, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not supposed to be spent in a constant state of deep despondency. I really do feel that once I'm out of here, the weight on my shoulders will slowly drift away and so will everything else that has been following me around like a shadow. You may think I'm overreacting, but oh boy, you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through. So, you have no fucking right to tell me how I should feel or react to anything that's going on in my life. Telling me that I shouldn't be sad because there are other people out there who have it worse than I do is basically like telling me that I shouldn't be happy because there are other people out there who have it better than I do.
For once in my life, I know exactly what I want - I want to live, damn it. I want to feel things I've never felt before. I want to see places and faces of people whom I've never met. I long for continuity. I crave for absolution. I want to be able to be and feel the way I'm supposed to without having the guilt incessantly following my every move. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for finally living my life, right?